Are you struggling with something right now?
Maybe you’re anxious about something at work. Maybe you and your spouse have been fighting more than you used to. Maybe one of your kids is having a hard time, and it’s wearing you down. Maybe you’ve lost someone, or you just feel disconnected from people in a way you can’t shake.
Whatever it is, here’s what I notice in my office. When we struggle long enough, the struggle starts to feel like us.
I had a client a while back who was wrestling in his marriage. His wife seemed frustrated with him most of the time, and over the months, he stopped saying “I’m trying to figure this out.” He started saying, “I’m not enough.” That’s the shift I want to talk about. Something happens to us, and quietly, it becomes who we are.
The same thing happens with anxiety. Honestly, I get anxious sometimes going into work. I want to do a good job. I want to actually help the person sitting across from me. If I’m not careful, I can start calling myself an anxious person. But the anxiety has more to do with what I care about than who I am.
It happens with rejection, too. A kid who gets bullied or pranked starts believing he’s unlovable. A kid whose dad screams at him every time he misses a tackle or a ground ball grows up believing he’s not enough. These thoughts settle in and start to feel like the truth about you.
What the world tells you about you
Culture talks a lot about identity right now. People are encouraged to find themselves in their feelings, their job, their relationships, or their wounds. Experiences shape you, no question. But they were never meant to be the foundation of who you are.
I remember being in college, living in a small apartment with three other guys, eating turkey sandwiches and PB&J because that’s what we could afford. Now I’m 16, 17 years into being a counselor, and I can rent or own an actual house, eat out more, and drive a newer car. None of that defines me. It just tells you what stage of life I’m in. The college version of me is the same person as the version sitting here today, just a little older, more mature, wiser, and more experienced.
The problem with letting your circumstances define you is that circumstances move. Emotions change. Failures happen. Relationships shift. If your identity is built on any of that, you’re going to feel lost every time the ground moves under you. Shaking in life shouldn’t be your barometer for who you are.
What God says about you
Scripture says something different. It says identity doesn’t start with what you’ve done. It starts with who God says you are.
I was praying one morning and writing down what I felt God was saying to me. The very first thing I wrote was “my son.” That stuck with me. It really struck me. The Bible describes people who follow Christ as sons and daughters, as sheep that a Shepherd would leave the ninety-nine to find. That’s how He talks about you, and in that moment, I believe He was saying to me.
That doesn’t mean the struggles disappear. Christians still get anxious. We still grieve. We still lose people, lose jobs, fight with our spouses, wrestle with temptation. But the struggle doesn’t get to decide your worth or my worth. You can feel weak and still be loved. You can be in the middle of something hard and still belong to Him.
When the lies get repeated long enough
When pain has been around long enough, it starts to talk. Anxiety whispers, “You’re never safe.” Depression says, “You’ll never get better.” Shame says, “You’re too broken to be loved.”
I hear these questions in my office all the time. “Will this ever change?” “Will we ever trust each other again?” “Will I ever feel okay?”
The reason those thoughts feel so true is that they get repeated so often. The Bible talks about taking every thought captive. When we don’t, those thoughts run unchecked, and we start carving grooves in our brain that say, “This is who I am.” Romans 12 talks about being transformed by the renewing of your mind. Part of that renewal is swapping out the lie for the truer thing.
Instead of “I’m a failure,” the truer thing is that a mistake doesn’t determine your identity. Instead of “I’m unwanted,” the truer thing is that God’s love doesn’t move. Instead of “I’ll always be stuck,” the truer thing is that growth and healing are possible.
That kind of work takes time. I’ll be honest with you, I’ve had to do it in my own life, and I still work at it now. The thoughts that hurt the most are the ones I’m tempted to keep thinking, and when I let them run, they become like cement in my mind. It takes real effort to stop and say, “NO! That’s not who I am!” and then remind myself who God says I am.
Your past doesn’t get the final say
A lot of people get stuck because they can’t get past their past. Mistakes, broken relationships, addiction, trauma, things they did or things that were done to them. Even when forgiveness has come, shame hangs around and keeps them frozen. There are things I wouldn’t share with you that come to mind sometimes, and I am sure you have some too that you would not share. But those are in the past.
I’ve heard it many times. “I can’t believe I did that.” “I don’t know why I keep doing that.” “I’m not sure I’m a good person anymore.” When you’ve thought it long enough, you start to believe it.
But the people God used most in Scripture didn’t have clean records either. Moses was scared to go in front of Pharaoh. He also murdered an Egyptian. David committed adultery and had a man killed. Peter denied Jesus three times on the night Jesus needed him most. None of that became their final identity. God specializes in redemption. He sees past the brokenness.
Say this: “I am not my past.” If we were, none of us would be good enough.
Why this matters when life keeps hitting you
Identity in Christ matters most when things are unstable.
The last two months have been some of the most chaotic of my life, but more in small ways. I can count numerous things that have gone sideways at our house. Even a few nights ago, a small leak started coming through the roof. My wife and I keep saying, “What is wrong with us? Why does this keep happening?” Yet, those are not accurate questions.
If my identity were tied to whether things were going well, I’d be a wreck right now. But identity in Christ holds steady when life doesn’t. That’s where resilience comes from. Not from gritting your teeth, but from knowing you’re held by someone bigger than the situation. He never said you had to do it alone! He said, “Have my peace.”
Someone with anxiety can learn to say, “Anxiety is something I experience, but it’s not who I am.” Someone walking through depression can say, “My emotions are real, but they don’t determine my value.” I wonder what truer thing you could say to yourself this week.
Comparison will eat you alive
Another thing that makes identity hard is comparison.
Most of us are scrolling Facebook, Instagram, or TikTok, looking at everybody else’s lives. I saw some old friends posting from the beach this past week, and honestly, my first feeling wasn’t “good for them.” It was “I wish I were at the beach.” I was at work. They were in the sand. That kind of thinking can chip away at you fast.
Comparison tells you that you’re not enough because someone else has more. But God didn’t make you to be measured against anybody’s highlight reel. He made you to be unique.
I think about my grandfather. He was a barber. My grandmother did odd jobs. They didn’t have a lot of money or a long list of accomplishments. But they loved each other, they worked hard, they enjoyed their life, and at the end of it, you could say they ran the race well. They weren’t trying to measure up to anyone. They knew who they were and were at peace.
You weren’t meant to do this alone
This kind of work isn’t something you have to figure out by yourself. Healthy friends, a pastor, a small group, or a counselor can help. When the lies are loud, you need someone outside your own head reminding you of what’s true.
That’s a big part of what Christian counseling can do, especially when shame, anxiety, trauma, or low self-worth have been talking to you for a long time. Therapy gives you a safe place to process the pain and a guide to help you see what God actually says about you. Sometimes you’ve carried a belief so long you don’t even recognize it as a belief. Someone outside it can help.
If you’re in the Augusta or Evans area and that’s where you are right now, that’s exactly the kind of work we do at Legacy Marriage Resources. If you are in Georgia, we can do that through telehealth.
Living from your identity, not for it
Here’s one of the most freeing things about following Christ. You don’t have to earn your worth.
So many people spend their whole life trying to prove themselves through achievement, relationships, perfection, or somebody else’s approval. Identity in Christ flips that. Instead of living for identity, you get to live from it. You serve, you love, you grow, you pursue healing not to become loved, but because you already are.
Finding your identity in Christ doesn’t mean pretending the struggle isn’t there. It means refusing to let the struggle become the whole story of who you are. You may still be hurting. You may still be healing from something old. But your identity isn’t rooted in your worst day, your biggest mistake, or your deepest struggle. It’s rooted in the God who made you, loves you, and walks with you through whatever you’re in.
If you’ve been carrying labels you don’t want anymore, and you’d like help putting them down, reach out. That’s the kind of work we’d be glad to do with you.
