You know that silence after a fight — the one where you’re both in the same house but somehow miles apart? Maybe someone stomped off to another room, or the conversation just stopped. Nobody won. Nobody feels good. And the thing you were actually arguing about is still an elephant in the room, unresolved. If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. The truth is, EVERY couple fights. No one wants to fight, but it happens. Here’s the more important question: Are those fights bringing you closer or slowly pulling you apart?
What I want to share with you today is how to keep them from pulling you apart and make sure you stay connected. Did you know there are important rules to conflict — some “Do’s” and “Don’ts” you should probably know about? These rules will make getting to a resolution much easier and keep you both connected and in touch with one another. No one wants to feel disconnected, abandoned, rejected, or alone. Everyone wants to feel heard and understood. So, if you want to do conflict better, especially since it will inevitably happen, take note of the following “Fair Fighting” concepts.
What Do You Mean by “Fair Fighting?”
When couples enter conflict, either person can become defensive or do things that can hit below the belt or feel hurtful. Sometimes, unknowingly, we use these tactics to try to get the other person to see our point of view, control the conversation, or hit back harder when we feel hurt. These tactics aren’t healthy or helpful.
A fair fight, like in the sport of boxing, has rules. A referee is there to make sure that both people follow the rules. Both fighters must have regulation gloves. There are certain moves they can’t do, such as hitting below the belt, holding, tripping, kicking, biting, spitting, or hitting the back of the head or neck. If any of these rules are violated, the referee breaks them up, gives warnings, or may even end the fight, awarding the win to the other person.
We can use this analogy to illustrate what fair fighting looks like in relationships. What are the rules and violations that keep conflict from getting out of hand, ensure neither person gets harmed, and lead to greater understanding and connection? These rules will keep you and your partner safe. Unlike boxing, in relationships, there should be no focus on a winner. That’s where the analogy breaks down. However, before we get to the rules, we need to be okay with the reality of arguments and conflict. Let’s look at why fighting isn’t the real problem.
Why Fighting Isn’t the Problem
We have many clients who come in saying they want to stop fighting. It’s hard for some to believe, but that’s not really our goal as therapists. As noted earlier, conflict is normal in relationships. We are human, and humans aren’t perfect. Humans are broken, selfish, and have a sinful nature. Our backgrounds are different. The journey we have been on in life is different from anyone else’s. Some of us have experienced trauma in childhood. Others had great childhoods. Yet even then, our families did things differently, so our beliefs about how life should be lived can vary greatly depending on the topic.
It would be unreasonable to expect that two people from different backgrounds, thought processes, and personalities would never disagree or have conflict. So, expect conflict, but understand what the real problem is. Having conflict is not the problem. How you handle conflict determines the health of a marriage or relationship. What I mean by “how” you handle conflict is the pattern of interaction between you and your spouse. If that pattern is full of unfair fighting tactics and negative reactions, it can spell doom for a relationship.
Research demonstrates this clearly. Dr. John Gottman’s studies regarding marriage and relationships found that the presence of four specific negative patterns — criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling — can significantly increase stress on a relationship and predict divorce. These patterns erode the foundation of trust and connection over time.
The Bible also speaks to these patterns. It addresses how the tongue, what we say, can produce healthy or unhealthy outcomes. It even speaks to anger, saying “be angry and do not sin” (Ephesians 4:26). It makes sense then to rid your relationship of the negative patterns that will ultimately cost you what you love most. All couples fight, even good ones, but healthy couples tend to do it right.
The Rules of Fighting Fair
Rule 1: Stay on Topic
Many couples struggle with this one. Because they may not communicate enough or have many unresolved issues, they often try to resolve more than one problem at the same time. This leads to confusion and a lack of focus. It’s the mentality that since we’re already fighting, we might as well clear the air on everything. That doesn’t work!
Have you ever tried to tackle many tasks at once? You may feel like you’re getting a lot done, but it’s usually at the cost of doing none of them well. The same happens when we bring other topics into an argument. You’ll get off track and never resolve the original issue, and never reach the level of understanding needed to be on the same page.
Make a commitment before tense conversations to calmly and kindly remind each other to stick to one topic. If a new issue arises, write it down and agree to revisit it after the current topic is resolved. If things get too heated to speak calmly, take a short break for 5 to 10 minutes and try again. We worked with a couple not long ago who came in exhausted. Every argument they had somehow turned into a referendum on everything that had gone wrong in the last five years. They’d start talking about finances and end up rehashing a vacation from 2019. Sound familiar? Once they committed to the one-topic rule and kept a running list of “things to discuss later,” their conversations became shorter, calmer, and actually productive. It felt like a small change, but it made a big difference.
Rule 2: No Name-Calling or Character Attacks
This one is a big one. Criticism is something we always want to avoid. If what you’re going to say isn’t kind, don’t say it. There’s a big difference between attacking a behavior and attacking a person. Calling someone a name or attacking their character is hurtful. You wouldn’t want it done to you, so don’t do it to them.
Attacking a behavior means expressing that you don’t like a specific action someone is taking. Attacking the person means identifying them as THE problem. A behavior doesn’t make someone a bad person. Keep the focus on behaviors, not character. Remind yourself that you love this person and ask yourself: How do I want them to feel when I speak to them?
Rule 3: Use “I” Statements Instead of “You” Statements
“I” statements are when you talk about yourself, your feelings, and your experiences. “You” statements refer to the other person and their actions. When you use “you,” it tends to come across as criticism or contempt, which can trigger defensiveness or retaliation.
When you use “I” statements, you stay focused on your own experience and what would help if your partner understood it. It’s softer because you’re sharing how something affected you, rather than placing blame.
Example: “You never listen” is better said, “I feel unheard when you aren’t looking at me.” “You always forget to take out the trash” is better said, “I feel overlooked when the trash doesn’t get taken out.”
Rule 4: Take a Time-Out When Things Escalate
I prefer to call these “cool-down breaks.” Sometimes a car overheats and you need to turn it off, let it sit for a minute, and then restart it. (Sorry, I’m not a mechanic! But you get the gist.) The same is true in conflict. Don’t stay in the habit of thinking you can always push through. It’s better to take a break than to keep arguing when emotions are running high. Exercise is another example. You can’t push through once you hit the point of exhaustion. You need to sit down and rest so you don’t get hurt.
The truth is that pushing through an argument when things are tense usually makes things worse. When we’re stressed, our fight-or-flight responses kick in, and we act from emotion rather than rational thought. Have you ever found a good resolution when things got really heated? It’s rare.
Take a refocus break whenever things get tense, then come back at an agreed-upon time. You might say, “I need a refocus break — can we try again in 20 minutes?” You’ll be glad you did. And yes, 20 minutes counts. You don’t need to sleep on it every time.
Rule 5: Fight to Resolve, Not to Win
Examine yourself during an argument.
What are you focused on? Winning? Who’s right? Getting your point across?
Winning should not be the goal. The whole point of any difficult conversation should be increased understanding and, if possible, resolution. Remember, you are not the only one who needs to be understood.
Shift your mindset to focus on understanding your partner and finding something that helps both of you. It should be about partnership and connection, not one-upping each other. Practice this in every conversation, not just during conflict. The next rule helps with this.
Rule 6: Use Active Listening
Active listening is a way of truly listening that can be especially powerful in moments of tension. When you use it, you’re telling your partner that you really want to understand them. This can help them stay calm, open, and vulnerable.
Here’s how to practice it: Summarize back to your partner what they said, then ask if you understood them correctly. If they say yes, you’re doing well. If they say no, ask them to rephrase so you can try again. It may feel mechanical at first, but what matters most is your heart. Are you genuinely seeking understanding?
There are many other tips that can help during an intense conversation. As you grow and prioritize connection, you’ll naturally begin to discover new ways to engage in healthy, loving dialogue.
What to Do After a Fight
Even with the best intentions, some conflicts still get out of hand. That’s why knowing how to repair and reconnect after the dust settles is so important. Repairing helps ensure both people feel understood and that each person acknowledges where they went wrong and how they may have hurt the other. Acknowledging those failures and injuries is a critical part of this step. You need to be able to apologize sincerely, validate your partner’s experience of hurt, and empathize with their emotions. Forgiveness, when the apology is heartfelt and genuine, is also essential.
I’ll be honest — there have been many times in my own marriage where I came back too quickly after a fight and offered a halfhearted apology. That’s not sufficient. Dr. Gary Chapman wrote a helpful book on the 5 Languages of Apology that can deepen your understanding of why apology matters and how to repair a conflict in a meaningful way.
Too many couples let time pass and assume things will fade on their own. They don’t. Hurts don’t just disappear. Forgiveness allows us to move forward, but trust is often broken during conflict, and repair is what rebuilds it. By coming back and acknowledging your part in what happened, you create the conditions for reconnection.
Repair can take time, especially after an intense argument. It may take several conversations to fully heal and reconnect. If you tend to be conflict-avoidant, returning to repair the conversation may feel terrifying. That’s understandable. But don’t let fear become an excuse for avoiding it. Not initiating repair can lead to even greater hurt, resentment, and bitterness.
7 Practical Steps to Repairing After an Argument
- Self-reflect and take note of your part in the conflict.
- Come back together in a reasonable amount of time.
- Apologize for your wrongs.
- Acknowledge your partner’s hurt and pain.
- Check in to see what they need from you to help rebuild trust and reconnect.
- Pray together and ask for forgiveness from God and each other.
- Practice forgiveness and grace.
Faith Perspective
Although we understand some of our readers may not adhere to the Christian faith, we want to offer some perspective from a Biblical worldview for those who do. The example Jesus modeled for us is profoundly helpful. It starts with a mindset shift toward what we might call a grace-based approach.
In a grace-based mindset, the assumption is not that your partner is out to get you or is intentionally trying to harm you. Remembering that they are a broken person too, just like you, helps to disarm defensiveness. Grace is not about excusing what hurts us. It’s rooted in love, humility, and forgiveness.
When someone hurts us, it is often because of their own brokenness and fallen nature. We are not calling you to excuse the behavior, but to see your partner through Jesus’ eyes. He loves them just as He loves you, fully aware that they are not perfect. This is exactly how Jesus saw each of His disciples. He never gave up on them, even Judas. He did not force change. He lovingly waited, engaged, and let them know He saw them and still wanted a relationship with them. He listened to their pain, sat with them in their anger, and extended grace, mercy, and forgiveness.
This grace, mercy, and forgiveness mirrors the fair-fighting rules we described above. Jesus doesn’t attack. He stays focused on the matter at hand. He makes space for us to bring up different things, but always brings us back to the right focus. He knows we sometimes need a break to refocus, so He doesn’t pressure us. He waits patiently. He wants to come to a resolution that is truly best. And He is, without question, the greatest listener of all time. He knows us inside and out and understands completely what we are going through.
Conclusion
You now understand how to fight fair! Understanding and implementing these concepts can be challenging when intense emotions are involved, but you are capable of it. Sometimes it takes small, incremental shifts to get to where you want to be, and many couples have done exactly that. You can too.
Conflict is hard, but it doesn’t have to be destructive. If you’ve tried these strategies and still find yourselves stuck in the same patterns, that’s not a sign of failure. It’s a sign that you might benefit from having someone in your corner. Our clinicians at Legacy Marriage Resources are here to help you build the kind of marriage where hard conversations lead to deeper connection, not more distance.
Call us at 706-916-6740. We serve Augusta, GA, and the surrounding areas and offer both in-office and telehealth appointments for clients residing in the state of Georgia.
Couple Discussion Questions
We encourage couples to find practical ways to grow. Take some time to answer the following questions together. Be open and honest about what you really think.
- What is one habit from this list that you’d like to practice together?
- Is there a pattern in our arguments you’d like to change?
- What does “fighting fair” mean to each of you personally?
- Is there something I do during arguments that bothers you that you’ve never told me?
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