Legitimate Jealousy: Why your spouse is feeling unloved

Picture this. Your friend calls you and you haven’t spoken to him in a while. When you get off the phone, your wife has that look on her face. She’s probably mad or agitated at you. You’re not sure why, but you kind of know. You spent an hour on the phone. But why does she care so much? It’s just your best friend from high school. It’s been a little while since you have talked to him. You wonder why she is always upset with you.

The part you didn’t share was that you were supposed to be having that movie night together and eating popcorn and that favorite dessert. Yeah, you had 30 minutes and she was fine until the time on the phone crept into your set time. She was even okay with 5 extra minutes, but 30? You may be coming up with other excuses or reasons why she “shouldn’t be upset.” But let’s face it. SHE IS!

Is Your Marriage Your Priority?

In life, priority matters. God is a God of organization and priority. He made the universe with a certain order and hierarchy. You can see that all around you. Just look. Humans are smarter than all other creatures. We also see order in Earth’s systems such as weather, erosion, and more. Life has an order, which means something comes first. This also leads to a priority system. We see that in families. Who would you put first? Your friend or your family. Usually, it’s mom and/or dad. Now that may change depending on the circumstance, but we all have a priority system.

It gets a little stickier when we start asking what’s the “right” priority system. I believe there are healthier priority systems than others. When it comes to marriage, it’s very important to get your priorities straight! Otherwise, the marriage could suffer. However, what’s the right priority of things?

When I am working with couples, I do an exercise that you can do at home. I ask each individual in the couple: “What are your spouse’s priorities, in generalized terms?” I will do that for both of them and write the top 5 down. The seemingly top priority, down to the 5th. Then I ask both of them: “What is Ideal?” Each couple I have ever done this exercise with will inevitably give me the same answer, depending on whether they believe in God. The IDEAL PRIORITIES IN MARRIAGE: God, Spouse, Kids, Job/Finances, and Everything Else. Now the last one of those may be interchangeable for some, but the top 2 or 3 are almost always in that order at the top of everyone’s ideal priority system.

Unhealthy Priorities Lead to Legitament Jealously

Pastor Jimmy Evans wrote in his book, 𝘔𝘢𝘳𝘳𝘪𝘢𝘨𝘦 𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘙𝘰𝘤𝘬, about a concept called “legitimate jealousy.” Jealousy is usually thought of as bad. However, there is a good type of jealousy. Do you know it? It’s one where something that is rightfully yours has been given to someone or something else, whether that be “time,” “money,” “energy,” or other possible things.

In marriage, God said a man should leave his mother and father and “cleave” to his wife. This makes a man’s wife his top priority, under his relationship with God, above all other things. When you commit to marriage, you give ALL you have to your spouse. When you give time, energy, money, or other things to someone else, you are giving away something that is rightfully your spouse’s. You might be thinking this is absurd. Let me explain more.

Other Emotions Present During Legitment Jealousy

When your spouse is doing something that seems meaningless to you, do you ever wonder why they are spending time on that activity rather than spending time with you? You feel jealous. Should you? What about if someone tries to seduce your wife? How do you feel then? Angry! Of course, you do! You may even get aggressive, chase them off, or question your spouse. These are normal emotions to have. That anger comes out of righteous jealousy. But why? Because your wife is rightfully yours and no one else’s. You get first dibs on their time and attention. If they are giving it away without asking you, you feel cheated.

We don’t like to get permission to do things, especially in “Western” culture. We desire to be independent, free, and not controlled. However, in marriage, you have already committed to your spouse and given them priority position. Marriage was a choice. When you get married, you are making a statement. You are committing to your spouse and making a vow to God. Your spouse automatically thinks they have a right to you, your time, your energy, and all of you! You may be wondering if this is right and good. It’s very foreign to our traditional Western viewpoint of independence. Trust me, it’s right and good!

If you are Christian, this viewpoint is the correct one. The Bible expresses that in marriage two become ONE flesh. What’s yours is mine and what’s mine is yours. It’s implicated in the vow and the covenant. There is a reason for this too. It makes sure that the commitment is hard to break. It is supposed to be so sacred and secure that neither person would want to violate it. Yet, in our culture, we have watered the covenant of marriage down.

The Purpose of Marriage

So, if you give what is supposed to be your spouse’s away to someone or something else, they feel hurt and betrayed, because internally we know this is the way marriage is supposed to be. Your spouse has the right to feel jealous. Marriage has a purpose and part of that purpose is to bind two people together in a secure relationship. Matrimony was meant to provide safety emotionally, physically, financially, and relationally.

A marriage like this lends to the greater concept of LOVE. The Greek word for Love is Agape. It’s sacrificial. It’s an action. When you love someone else, you give them your full self. When you give them your full self, there can be emotional and physical safety. Selfishness is not love. We all know that! However, many of us don’t want to give up our individuality for our spouse. That’s not love. We want what we want. We want to be able to play that video game, go to bed when we are tired, talk to whoever we want to talk to or spend our time how we want to. Yet, that’s not love. That’s not what God intended for marriages.

This is why the state of marriage is crumbling today. We take it too lightly. True love is not understood. It is mistaken for love and attraction. I am not saying love and attraction is bad. I am saying that there is more to love and a healthy relationship. So, stop wondering why your spouse is upset when you are giving something else your attention and energy. Start loving them by considering them first!

Conclusion

You may be pushing back on this concept, but I ask you to pray about it. Ask God what he thinks. You can also read more about it in Pastor Jimmy Evans’s book. The point is to take time to think about how you affect your spouse, what you might be giving to others, or something else that might be hurting them. Start asking more than stating what you are going to do. Be considerate, and if you get permission, then you are free to do that thing you want to do. It’s all about loving your spouse the right way. If you want a better marriage, I challenge you to try to give back to your spouse what you have been giving away. If you need help, try some marriage counseling.

References and Resources

Evans, J. (1994). Marriage on the Rock: God’s design for your dream marriage. MarriageToday, Dallas, TX.