In the mental health profession, we often talk about setting boundaries—whether in our interpersonal relationships, in how we relate to ourselves, or in the expectations we hold. But before we can set boundaries, we have to understand what they are and why they matter.
Boundaries are like fences. They can take many forms, but their purpose is the same: to keep us emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically safe. Dr. Becky Kennedy, author of Good Inside, defines boundaries as something you put into place that requires the other person to do nothing. If you’d like to hear more of her thoughts on this, check out her interview on the A Bit of Optimism Podcast titled “Kids (And Employees) Know More Than You Think”.
At first, this definition might feel a bit foreign. Isn’t the point of a boundary to get someone else to change their behavior? Doing nothing is not exactly what we think of in this situation.
So the answer to the question of whether a boundary is meant to get someone to changethere behavior is….Not exactly.
Instead of trying to control someone else, the point would be to enforce our own personal limits through clear consequences. The point is to tell the other person what you will do if the boundary you set is violated. It’s not meant to force the other person to do something. For example, we might say something like the following:
“If you do ___, then I will ___.”
These blanks allow you to define both the behavior you’re addressing and the action you will take in response—giving you ownership of your boundary, regardless of the other person’s choices.
How Do You Know When You Need a Boundary?
Boundaries start with identifying your needs—what you need for peace, for emotional safety, and for balance. Ask yourself:
- What do I need in this moment to feel safe?
- What feels overwhelming or uncomfortable?
- Where am I saying “yes” when I really want to say “no”?
Boundaries are not about controlling someone else. They’re about recognizing your own limits and honoring them. Here are some examples of questions you can ask yourself that can help you understand your needs and think about other needs:
“What is your limit for living at peace with one another?”
“What capacity do I have right now to engage?”
Our boundaries shift with our capacity. Sometimes, we can handle more. Other times, our emotional or physical bandwidth is low. That’s normal. As we grow, we also learn to re-adapt, to create new emotional pathways, and to soothe the parts of us that were hurt in the past.
Three Steps to Begin Setting Boundaries in Relationships
If you’re ready to set healthier boundaries, start here:
1. Clarify Your Expectations
Ask yourself: What do I expect from my partner, family, or coworkers? What do I need in my relationships? Defining your expectations is the first step toward clarity and peace. Don’t be afraid to define your expectations. You don’t have to follow them if you don’t want to, but it is good to know what you expect. It’s important to be honest with yourself and seek what feels safe to you in relationships and different situations.
2. Decide What Boundary Fits
Now that you know what you expect, what boundary would help protect that? For example, if you expect respectful communication during disagreements, what action will you take when that isn’t honored? Write them down. Continue to play with wording to make sure you know how you want to express each boundary.
3. Communicate Clearly and Respectfully
Try combining your expectation and your response into one clear sentence, such as:
“While I understand that you can become overwhelmed when we argue, if you raise your voice during a disagreement, I will take time away from the conversation until we can calmly revisit it.”
This “if/then” structure aligns with Dr. Becky Kennedy’s approach. It protects your peace without demanding anything from the other person.
Conclusion: Boundaries Make Space for Healthier Relationships
Boundaries are essential in all areas of life—professionally, personally, and relationally. They help us show up as healthier partners, parents, and people. When we reflect on our needs and communicate them with clarity, we create the emotional safety that allows relationships to grow.
Want to explore more about emotional health, boundaries, or communication tools? Reach out to our counseling team to take the next step toward stronger relationships.
References
Simon Sinek. (2025, January 28). Kids (And Employees) Know More Than You Think with Dr. Becky Kennedy | A Bit of Optimism Podcast [Video]. YouTube. Watch it here
Kennedy, B. (2022). Good Inside: A Practical Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be. HarperCollins UK.
Author:
Bethany Stanley is a Licensed Associate Professional Counselor. She provides couples counseling and individual counseling as a therapist at Legacy Marriage Resources, LLC based in Augusta, Georgia. Find out more about her in her Bio.
