Starting therapy is a huge step, and oftentimes, a scary one. When starting therapy, you may worry if your therapist will understand you, respect your values, or be a safe person who won’t judge you for your struggles. A good therapist will do all of these things for you. Yet, it can be difficult to trust that a new therapist will support you in these ways, especially if you’ve had a bad therapy experience in the past.
If you’ve had a bad therapy experience, you may be wondering if it’s safe to try therapy again, or how you can trust a therapist or the process of therapy again. The process of finding a therapist you like often seems like it’s just trial and error, but some strategies can help you make this process quicker and easier.
Starting Your Search for the Right Therapist
It may seem superficial, but for many people, a therapist’s demographics can be an important factor contributing to whether or not they feel comfortable being open with them. Take a moment and think about who you would feel most comfortable opening up to. Do you want a therapist who is the same gender as you, similar in age to you, or who comes from a similar cultural background?
Age:
Maybe you would prefer to talk to someone who is “older and wiser” than you. Or, maybe someone younger than you who has a “fresh” or newer perspective would be ideal. Possibly someone who is the same age as you, who might be experiencing a similar phase of life, could be helpful.
Gender:
Do you have a gender preference for your therapist? Depending on your family history, past trauma, or the circumstances for which you are seeking therapy, you may not feel comfortable with a certain gender. Knowing your preference and triggers can narrow down your search for the right counselor.
Cultural background:
Consider any unique cultural experiences you want your therapist to understand, perhaps related to race or ethnicity. You may want a therapist who practices the same religion or faith as you, or alternatively, you may prefer that your therapist be non-religious. (Keep in mind that a faith-based or religious therapist can also provide counseling that does not incorporate religion.) Other things to keep in mind are language barriers. Would you understand someone who speaks your native language over someone who speaks only the language of the country you live in (ie, English in the United States)?
Think About Positive Traits You Want Your Counselor To Have
Make a list of any positive attributes that your last therapist had. You can also add any other positive characteristics that you want your new therapist to have. Here are some examples of characteristics that you may want to include on your list.
- Are they Empathetic?
- Do they possess Good listening skills?
- Are they welcoming?
- How Attentive are they?
- Do they seem Kind?
- Are they a Good communicator?
- How Knowledgeable are they?
- Do they seem Compassionate to your situation?
- Will they be Respectful of your beliefs, morals, religion, etc.?
- Can they Kindly but firmly hold you accountable?
Identify the Negative Traits You Would Not Like Your Therapist to Have
This step is crucial. Think about what you did not like about your previous therapist. Knowing what qualities and situations led to you no longer seeing your previous therapist is one of the most important things contributing to the process of finding a therapist you like. Make a list of these qualities or situations. Here are some qualities and situations that you may want to include on your list.
- Did they answer phone calls during your session?
- Were they not respectful of your boundaries?
- Did they make jokes or say rude comments about your religious or other beliefs?
- Was most of your session spent talking about themselves?
- Did they spend more time talking at you than listening to you?
- Were they consistently starting sessions late?
- Were they not holding you accountable or giving you actionable steps to further your healing?
- Did they not pay attention to what you are saying?
- Did they seem bored or uninterested?
- Were they judgmental or made rude comments about your actions or decisions?
What Do I Do With These Lists of Counselor Traits?
Now that you’ve taken the time to identify specific qualities that you are or are not looking for in a therapist, use them to narrow down your search for a therapist. To find a therapist, you can simply search for names online. You can also use websites like Psychology Today to see all of the therapists in your area.
To start, limit your search to whatever distance you are willing to drive to an office, or if you prefer telehealth sessions, search for a therapist in your state of residence who offers telehealth sessions. Keep in mind that many telehealth therapists require that you reside in the same state as their office is located. Then filter your search with any demographics you listed. You can also narrow down your search by specific issues that the therapists are experienced in working with.
You will probably notice that the number of therapists that fit the specific criteria you’ve selected is significantly lower than the number you started with. This should help you feel less overwhelmed. Now you can go through the remaining list of therapists and read through their informational bios as well as reviews from past clients. While looking through these two things, be sure to look out for any of the positive and negative qualities you listed earlier.
Once you find a few different therapists you think you may like, start reaching out to them about their availability, prices, and discuss if they offer a short phone consultation to ask any further questions you may have. The idea is to get a better feel of who they are and if you mesh well together.
Some Final Thoughts and Tips on Finding the Right Therapist for You
Finding the right therapist for you isn’t an exact science, but it doesn’t have to be a guessing game either. These lists will help you in your search and hopefully make the process less stressful for you. Your feelings about your past therapist or the therapy experience are valid and normal, but try not to let any bad therapy experiences cloud your judgment or opinion of potential therapists. Try to keep an open mind during this process and remember that the majority of therapists care about you, want what is best for you, and desire for you to find hope and healing in your therapy journey.
It unfortunately may take you trying a few different therapists before you find the best fit. Fit is very important as it is one of the best indicators of success in therapy. As a therapy company, we do ask that you do one thing for us. Please be honest with any new therapists about your previous bad therapy experiences and any concerns or worries you have about trying therapy again. Also, be open and honest about the concerns you have about the therapy process once you get started. As therapists, we can’t know what you don’t tell us, and we can’t fix what we don’t have knowledge of.
A good therapist will be willing to help you process your past experiences and plan with you how to best meet your needs. They can help you build trust for both them and the overall therapy experience. Learning to trust again may not happen instantly, but don’t give up. The most important thing I ask of you is that you don’t abandon therapy altogether because of a past bad therapy experience or because of what people tell you about therapy. Keep searching and putting in your best effort, and once you find the right therapist, you’ll be glad you didn’t give up!
