How Habits Help Us, Hurt Us, and Hurt the People We Love

Recently, several of my new clients have come to me highlighting that they are struggling with specific areas in their lives where they feel stuck. As I have been working with them, the topic of habits has regularly arisen in our conversations. These conversations reminded me that our tendencies play a huge role in the outcome of most things we do. Yes, other factors affect our daily lives, such as the environment, other people, specific circumstances, and more. But it’s amazing how our consistent patterns of behavior and choices play a large role in our successes and when we fall short of our aspirations. 

In my life, I have several things I would like to see better. You do too! However, you just can’t seem to reach that goal. Maybe you keep making the same mistakes or you think something else other than yourself is the problem. That’s been the case with my clients and myself. We blame other things, but our habits are rarely reviewed to determine if they are creating a situation that is not helpful for the goal we want to achieve. 

You want your breakthrough! A goal you have had a hard time achieving is within reach, but you haven’t been able to figure it out. Or, you have been in the dumps and don’t know why, you just know you feel bad. Let’s explore how habits might contribute to your hurt, but also can be shifted to help you overcome them.

I. What are Habits and Why Are They Important?

A Definition for Habits: 

Habits are behaviors that a person repetitively does without thinking about them. They are more like reactions. We sometimes use the following words to describe a habit: routines, practices, customs, patterns, tendencies, rituals, manners, ways, or repetitive behaviors. We don’t usually think about them. They normally just happen. Do you bite your fingernails? That’s a habit! Popping your knuckles, scratching, stretching, and other small behaviors are all possible habits if you don’t think much about them and do them consistently. 

Sometimes we might say that we don’t even know we are doing it. They can even be scary sometimes. Have you ever driven home and thought about the fact that you don’t know how you got home? You were thinking about something else and suddenly you were home. Or you drove home instead of going to the place you thought you wanted to go after work. Why? Because your brain is used to it. It has now become automated for you to just drive home after work. I have many tendencies that I think about. Some I am not proud of, but others I can understand why I have them. They are important. Let’s talk about why.

Importance of Habits: 

Habits have a purpose. God created the concept. Otherwise, I am not sure we would have this built-in trait. They must be important if God gave us this ability to repeat behavior without thinking much about what we are doing. These behavioral patterns tend to shape our daily lives and have a lot to do with how things turn out. They also can determine how healthy or unhealthy we are.

Our automatic behavior patterns are important because they help us with the ability to handle many things at once. God wanted us to be able to function efficiently. Habits help with that. They matter because they can be an ally when we need to reach goals that we would likely not attain without them. Much of our lives are managed by these behavioral tendencies. Let’s just say they keep us on track. We can get into many of the ways they help us next. Habits matter because they make us who we are. They are very much a part of our identity and are like building blocks to who we are. Think of them as steps to a greater version of yourself. The more healthy habits you have, the better person you are and can become. The more unhealthy habits you have, the less you can achieve.

II. How Habits Help People

How have habits helped you? Think about it. There are probably many ways, but you have never stopped to think about what they do for you. That’s because you act out your habits without thinking. Let’s talk about how helpful they are.

1. Efficiency and Productivity

Habits can help us be more efficient and productive throughout our days. You can get more things done quicker. Let’s look at how this works.

Routine and Automation:

When you can do things the same over and over again without thinking, you create a routine that is sustainable and allows you to think about other things in the moment. Driving is a good example. When you drive down the road, you aren’t thinking about hitting the break, turning the steering wheel, or pressing the gas. These habits free your mind up and give you more mental energy for other tasks that might be more important like paying attention to where you are going, stop signs, or cars that are around you. 

Habits also reduce decision fatigue because you are automating your thoughts and choices. If you have too many decisions to make at a time or over time your brain gets tired. Have you ever been tired of making decisions? Habits decrease the number of decisions you are intentionally having to make at any given moment because those decisions are already made for you. They are stored in your mind as a behavior or decision that is already locked in when needed. 

Time Management:

Healthy habits help organize your day and prioritize your daily tasks. You can just think of habits helping you streamline the things you need to get done. Thus, you are more efficient and have more time to get other things done, completing more goals. Good habits streamline daily tasks, making time for goals and ambitions. What would it be like if you didn’t have habits? Would you be able to finish your day in the amount of time you are used to?

2. Health and Well-being

Habits can help you maintain your health and well-being or improve it. As you will see, our physical health and mental health feed off of each other. The tendencies that we have in both can have a huge effect on our lives. Let’s see how.

Physical Health: 

Have you ever tried to exercise after not having done it for a while? You get tired easily and even aren’t motivated. Yet, when you have done it over and over, your body desires it and even seeks to do it when you may not be thinking about it. Creating good habits around exercise, diet, and sleep makes it easier to keep your health in check. 

Think about the Law of Motion. A body at rest stays at rest, but a body in motion stays in motion. When you build good habits for physical exercise, diet, and sleep, you have momentum through your habits to keep you healthy. It’s not as hard to keep it up, right?

Mental Health: 

The same is with your mental health. Practicing things like mindfulness, meditation, and journaling grows your mental well-being. The more you do these things, the easier they get because you built a habit that is just automated. It’s a daily routine you get used to. You may struggle at first because you haven’t repeated it enough to get used to it, but once you do, it serves you by just being another thing you do. 

We all know that reading self-help books, going to a counselor, praying, journaling, mindfulness, and more can help us. However, it only helps when you do it consistently. Then you will feel better about yourself and have healthier thoughts. It gets easier the more you do it because it becomes routine. 

3. Skill Development

As we have started seeing through our discussion above, when you consistently work on something things get easier. Think about how this can be helpful.

Learning and Mastery: 

The more you do something, the better you get. Consistency is key. Some experts say that 20 hours of doing a skill makes you a master at it. I am not sure if that’s true, but you are certainly better at it than when you started. Practicing a skill over and over leads to improvement in that skill and you become more of an expert than others. How many hours does a professional golfer play golf? The more they swing the club or put a golf ball, the better they get. 

I recently witnessed this in action. We just had the Olympics. Gymnasts practice 20 or more hours a week. They repeat the same skill over and over and over. By doing this, they are developing muscle memory. Their muscles are learning or developing a habit of performing the same motion consistently. This is a habit and helps them to develop mastery that will decrease the likelihood of mistakes. 

What is the best form of learning? Repetition or teaching. When you repeat something over and over, you truly learn that material. By teaching, you find more meaning in the task, so you learn it even more. By developing a habit, you increase your learning and mastery of that skill exponentially.

Continuous Improvement: 

It probably does not have to be said, but by developing small, positive habits you are contributing to personal and professional growth over time. Look at them as building blocks. Professional baseball players understand this. They talk about the fundamentals all the time. They break down their swings and practice small parts of them over and over until they form muscle memory (habits) that help them to correctly swing the bat. This is effective in almost every other skill sport. 

Another example that comes to mind is how we learn math. To master math and become proficient at it, we teach kids to memorize and review math facts. Remember those multiplication games you played? Or the dreaded math fact cards? The more a child can automate math facts, the better they are able to build and learn other math skills. 

By building healthy habits on top of each other, you continue to grow and improve in the area you are building the habits. We usually would say, start small and focus on that part, then add to it. Healthy habits make you a better person in any area you choose to have those habits. They also provide opportunities for growth. What habits do you have that can be utilized for further development?

4. Building Relationships

Healthy habits can help you in your relationship. There are many ways that we can develop good habits that help us keep our relationships strong, and help us stay connected.

Consistent Communication:

I have said it for a while to myself, I need to call Mom. There are many friends that I have not been good at keeping in touch with. Even in my own relationship with my wife, sometimes I am not a consistent communicator. That’s an issue with choices, but can get better by making it a habit. If you struggle with this too, creating habits like regular check-ins with friends and family can strengthen those relationships. You can set reminders on your phone to check with others. This could become a healthy habit within itself.

Many couples have struggled with this. Here is a regular occurrence I hear from wives: “My husband never speaks to me when he is at work. He doesn’t even think about me. I wonder if he even cares about me.” Now that might seem dramatic to you, but it’s a cry for connection. Now I understand being busy at work. I am very busy. However, it doesn’t take but a second to text someone. I will call my wife for a one or two-minute check-in, just to let her know I thought of her today. That creates a feeling of love and thoughtfulness. That’s a simple habit to create. Consistently check in with your loved one, even if it’s only for a minute.

Acts of Kindness:

Another habit that can be so good for relationships is little acts of kindness. When I say little, they can be very small and still effective. These small intentions can create so many positive connections. Yet, we forget! Or we get busy. May you don’t want to be bothered by it. And maybe to you, it doesn’t seem like it’s that big of a deal. IT IS! In relationships, every little bit counts. Building a habit of consistently doing little acts of kindness can stop the forgetting and the floundering that is killing your connection. Start today with something small and commit to doing it regularly.

5. Achieving Long-term Goals

As we said above, habits help you get more done, grow, and improve in many ways. Thus, they are helpful as a tool to reach your long-term goals.

Discipline and Consistency: 

Healthy habits help you build discipline, structure, and persistence. You have more thought energy and stamina over time as you discipline yourself. Discipline itself becomes a habit. The end result is achieving future results. It’s like chopping wood. Kirby Smart, the head coach for the Georgia Bulldogs, used the metaphor to motivate his team. They talked about chopping wood. 

You just have to keep on chopping to cut through the tree. The more disciplined you are and the more persistent you are, the more strength and stamina you build. Once you form the strength and stamina, you can use that to reach long-term objectives. One of those habits useful to get there is discipline.

Incremental Progress: 

We spoke on this already, but it’s worth saying again. It takes small actions that are consistently implemented over and over again for long periods of time sometimes to reach the finish line. When you are running a race, each step is progress. Each little exact movement of a muscle is progress towards the finish line. Yet, when you first start out, your time might be a 15-second 100-meter spring. 

However, the more you run and the more you move and use those muscles for running the better that time will be. If you do that consistently over a longer time, you have the opportunity to become Usain Bolt (once the fastest man in the world). If you can discipline yourself long enough and take the right consistent movements over time, which technically become compounded habits, you can reach amazing achievements.

III. How Habits Hurt People

Habits can also be harmful. They can hurt ourselves and the ones we love. Sometimes we don’t even realize it. It’s important to know what you might be doing that hurts others. Unfortunately, we have said that habits sometimes happen without us noticing or thinking about them. So, if you don’t know your habits, this may help you start to see them and change them so you stop them before it’s too late.

1. Negative Health Impacts

Did you know your habits harm you, and unintentionally hurt those you love? Let’s talk about how unhealthy habits can impact your health.

Unhealthy Eating:

Some people may say, “My body. My life.” Well, that’s true, but you’re not only hurting you! Unhealthy habits of overeating, having excessive sugar, or consuming lots of junk food can lead to chronic health issues. I think we all know that due to all the diet fads, medications, and death when it comes to health problems. Maybe we don’t? Anyhow, this causes you to have less energy, more pain, increased stress, and poor eating habits according to some research studies that show the increased likelihood of depression and anxiety. 

How do you think your moods are going to be if that is the case? Terrible! Do you think your spouse or friends are going to feel good around you? Probably not! They may have sympathy, empathy, or possibly pity. I don’t think you want that. You want them to be proud of you and look up to you. Yet, your eating habits cause them emotional pain, especially if you can’t spend time with them or God forbid, die and are no longer there. Grieving is a real thing! This only touches the surface of how unhealthy habits like how you eat can impact you and your loved ones.

Sedentary Lifestyle: 

Just think how you feel. If you are overweight, have high blood pressure, or sugar problems. Do you have energy? Do you sleep well? You probably do not even feel like getting up sometimes. This causes a negative cycle. An unhealthy habit of eating can contribute to decreased exercise and motivation, increasing the likelihood of not eating well or taking care of yourself. 

It’s a nasty cycle that’s powered by unhealthy habits. You don’t have the energy because you don’t eat well, so you sit around, sleep, and don’t move. Thus, you feel terrible, so you eat some more. All the while, you aren’t burning calories to shed the amount of calories you are consuming. Stop!!

2. Mental Health Challenges

Negative habits when it comes to your mental health can also hurt people. Think about how poor mental health can impact those around you. Depression, anxiety, grief, suicidal concerns, and more cause great distress for those around us. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Our country is struggling with the weight of a mental health crisis at this very moment. If it is burdening a whole country, how do you not expect mental health struggles to hurt your loved ones? Your habits can be a part of that, although there is much more to this than we can speak about here.

Procrastination: 

This is a habit. It’s the habit of delaying tasks. What happens when you wait till the last minute to get something done? I know how I feel: stressed, anxious, and sometimes helpless. This can lead to reduced productivity and performance. Thus another cycle begins. You may mope or feel shame and guilt. I have clients who will complain to their spouses and blame others. 

That’s a relationship problem itself. Start blaming others and they will get defensive and push back. It’s not their fault and now you are hurting them. You hurt them by not following through on your responsibilities, and you hurt them by making it their fault. Not only that, you don’t get things done and a whole host of consequences come from that.

Negative Self-talk: 

Another habit that is more mentally harmful is the habit of negative thinking and self-talk. You may have developed this habit early on in your life due to things people have said to you, rejection by a loved one, or some other traumatic or hurtful experience. However, it’s still a habit. It continues to harm you. Your self-esteem is continually being destroyed by the way you think about and talk to yourself. 

Depression is usually a result of hopelessness, self-doubt, self-hate, and other views of yourself and the world. Continuing to play into that does not help it. You become a victim of your experience. Now you have entered into a cycle that needs to be broken. That cycle leads you to isolate and withdraw. It may lead you to be angry and irritable. These behaviors cause harm in your relationships too, not just to yourself. 

Please don’t get me wrong. Some clients will come and say they just feel like a burden. Realistically, you may be causing your spouse some stress. But you are not a burden. Your choices are keeping you in a cycle that is causing stress. You can change your choices. It may take effort and time, but it’s possible. Let’s just say, you are not the burden, the depression is. Yet, we need to heal you and do the healthy things to get you out of depression.

3. Hindering Personal Growth

How many times have you procrastinated or avoided doing something because you were unsure or it felt like too much or you didn’t know how to do something because it was a new experience? Negative habits can hinder you from taking action. Which leads you to not meeting your goals as a person, whether it be mentally or physically.

Comfort Zone: 

Sometimes things are outside your comfort zone. If you tend to avoid challenges and new experiences, then you may have a habit of being comfortable. How hard is it to do something that you may not be used to? If you have a habit of avoiding challenges or new experiences, you may be suppressing your growth and ability to learn new skills.

For example, when I think about making a podcast episode or doing a video for a vlog, I would just rather not do it. Why? Because it’s uncomfortable. I started wondering what people would think and if they would see my faults. Would they start to believe I don’t know what I am talking about? I know! I tend to get all negative in my thoughts too! And because I don’t like to feel uncomfortable, I will procrastinate. Guess what? If I don’t ever do the podcast or the video, I will never learn or achieve the potential goals that come with that experience. 

Dependency on Bad Habits: 

Another way that personal growth is hindered is when we depend on bad habits we already have. Addiction is a really good example of this. We all know that addiction is not healthy, but that doesn’t mean that people stop. It’s because they are relying on it for something. Some of my clients say that drinking just makes the problems less intense and they can get through the rest of their day. Others are smoking, but know that it is hurting relationships or their health. What if they really wanted to keep a person in their life, but that person didn’t like the smell of cigarette smoke?

When you depend on bad habits you are most likely addicted or moving in that direction. These habits, especially if they have turned into an addiction, will hinder progress. Many of us have the habit of scrolling social media. Any bad habit that keeps you away from doing something to grow, learn, connect, or achieve a goal will keep you from becoming the person you want to be.

4. Damaging Relationships

Relationships are important but can be difficult. You know what makes them more difficult, bad habits! You guessed it! Or maybe you just knew the topic we were talking about. How many of you know that something you are doing consistently (also called a habit) is damaging your relationship? Let’s talk about some habits that get you negative results when it comes to having a healthy relationship.

Poor Communication: 

Did you know that how you communicate can be a habit? What if how you communicate is unhealthy and not getting you the results you want? You want connection, affection, trust, and more. Yet, you don’t listen well and become defensive. You react every time your spouse tries to tell you something they are upset about. These are habits! What if every time you talk to your spouse you have a tone that you don’t even realize you have? Do you think they are going to want to talk to you? 

Relationships need healthy, loving communication, not poor communication. You may have never learned to listen correctly or be present and empathetic in conversation. That doesn’t mean that you just continue to have poor communication. If you want to keep that relationship, you change the poor communication habits you have! Learn how to compromise, speak gently, listen with the intent to understand, and manage your own emotions so you don’t lash out. A strained relationship is likely the result of poor communication habits.

Neglect: 

Another terrible relationship habit is neglect. What do I mean by this word? I mean when you as a loved one fail to love and nurture the relationship you are in. You are inattentive and don’t think of the other person. You stop doing the small things and you isolate yourself. You for the most part think of yourself. These behaviors can lead to distance and resentment by your partner. They literally will believe you don’t love them and you don’t care about them. Is that what you want them to think?

We define neglect in the following way: 

1. To give little attention or respect to.
2. To leave undone or unattended to, especially through carelessness.

When you habitually neglect someone, you fail to care for them properly. Did you know your spouse needs you to care for them? This would lead us to the concept of love, especially agape love! The habit of loving someone the right way is the opposite of the habit of neglect. See if your relationship will sustain consistent neglect. Try it! You will see that the person you love will not tolerate it and will probably not stay long.

5. Obstructing Success

We all want to win at the things that are important to us. However, poor habits can stop us from achieving our goals. Success is desired, but without the right choices and behaviors, you will not succeed. Let’s look at 2 habits that can obstruct our success.

Lack of Discipline: 

Lacking discipline is a habit. How is that? Because to have discipline, you have to build it over time. Discipline itself is a habit that is strengthened over time. Laziness is a habit, although a poor one. Inconsistency is a habit. Discipline is when someone is hard-working and consistently shows up to do the job. When a person lacks discipline, their career, financial goals, personal goals, and relationship goals may all get derailed. When this happens, your aspirations become dreams that are just out of reach. 

I realized early on in life that I did not like reading much. It is harder for me than the average Joe. My mom reads books in 2 days. Thick ones! My eyes get tired after reading for 20 or 30 minutes. When I arrived in grad school, guess what? They wanted us to read. A LOT! Without being disciplined and learning the habit of consistent hard work, I would have never made it. I was proud of myself at the end of that 2 and half year stint. I completed reading about 20,000 to 25,000 pages worth of material. That number might be an underestimate. Building the habit of discipline and consistent hard work was pivotal to achieving that goal.

Wasting Time: 

This is a big one and was alluded to above. Many of us waste a lot of time, to the point that wasting time has become a habit. It’s crushing our dreams and aspirations. Some of you have cell phones that can tell you how much screen time you use every day. Have you used it? What does it say? 1 hour, 5 hours, 10 minutes? Can you say what you were reading, watching, or looking at during that time? I know I have had times where I just watch YouTube videos for content to help my business. How much of that do I actually implement? Maybe 1% to 5%. That’s wasting time!

Habits like watching excessive TV or scrolling through social media for hours don’t really help you. It is a habit that just passes the time. What are you passing the time for? Do you know how many hours, days, weeks, months, or years you have left on this beautiful planet? God did not create you to waste time. He did create you to enjoy life and all the things he created. I am not dissing having some free time, but the habit of wasting time is another way that you are trashing your future and success in your business, relationships, and more. You and I know this is a problem! Let’s change it!

IV. Balancing and Changing Habits

To change our lives and make the dreams happen that we have aspired to reach, we have to change! We have to examine ourselves. Explore the above habits. Ask yourself if you have any of the habits that we discussed before, in any form. Be honest with yourself. Then let’s do the work to create balance in our lives. Let’s look at how to do that below. 

1. Awareness and Reflection

The first thing we need to do is become aware of our habits and reflect on ourselves. Do a deep, honest assessment of yourself. If you have ever been in an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, you may have heard of the 12 Steps. Doing a thorough assessment of oneself is one of those steps. Without doing this, you will never change the things that are holding you back. 

Identifying Harmful Habits: 

Examine your habits. Write all the good and bad ones. Again be extremely honest with yourself. No one else has to read this list. You need to say it though. Look through the list above and again ask yourself if you fit any of those categories. 

Maybe you need to start with the problem and work backward to see if anything you did was a problem. ONLY focus on your part. I want you to be very aware of the harmful habits that hinder you from making progress and improving your well-being.

Mindful Habit Formation:

Now you want to start asking yourself, what would be some habits that you can start doing that would cause the old habits to go extinct and alter the course you are on? Planning is so important. You need to know why you are building this new habit and why you don’t want to continue the poor habits. Own it! Be intentional! 

By making it a point to cultivate positive habits to replace harmful ones, you are more likely to be successful. Have you ever heard the saying, “I am sick and tired of being sick and tired!” Well, are you? Are you tired of not reaching your aspirations and goals? The second step is being intentional, making a plan, and deciding you WILL be successful!

2. Building Positive Habits

Once you have a plan, just like when you are building a house or a building, you need to start building habits on top of one another. This step takes time. How long does it take to build an average house? 6 to 8 months? That’s because you need to build it right. You can’t put the roof on first. Building positive habits starts with one habit at a time. 

Start Small: 

You don’t want to start by trying to do everything at once. You want to begin small. What’s the smallest habit that you can easily start implementing today? What choice can you make consistently that would take the least amount of energy? Start doing that. We need it to be manageable, not overwhelming. Small habits are those that can be easily integrated into daily life. They are the positive habits that are the building blocks and foundation to slowly build the walls of the house. Maybe you can just read your goals every day. How easy is that? Post that goal sheet on your mirror and everywhere you go. Then you will just start reading one self-help book, instead of getting on your phone for 10 minutes a day. This doesn’t have to be hard, but there needs to be a reasonable plan with actionable habits you can build on top of each other.

Consistency is Key: 

Practice makes progress! The more you do the habit, the more you make the same choice over and over, and the easier it is. Practicing a behavior regularly cements a habit in your body and mind. Let’s harden each habit to make the foundation of the house you are building as strong as it can be. You can’t build a house out of mushy, watery bricks. They need to be hard and placed right. The hardening agent of habits is consistency!.

3. Breaking Negative Habits

One part of this plan is to find ways to break the bad, poor habits. You may need more than just a plan to infuse good, easy, healthy habits into your life. What do you do with the negative ones that keep repeating?

Substitution: 

One option is to substitute old, negative habits with positive alternatives.If you have a habit of sitting and watching TV, maybe you set a timer and go for a walk. It’s kind of hard to sit in front of the TV if you are outside walking. Think of bad habits as a broken foundation or old bricks that are cracking. They aren’t strong or supportive anymore. 

We need to change out old, negative habits with SUPPORTIVE ones. If you have a habit of eating cookies every day, we may need to find a substitute. Can you eat more healthy stuff to become more full, or get a sugar-free substitute? If you have a habit of yelling, what might be an alternative that can be healthier? How about writing down your frustrations or going outside and punching a punching bag made for hitting?

Accountability: 

You may need some help. Accountability can be a great tool to keep you focused and pull you back on track if you start to veer off. Who are the support systems you can rely on and trust? Your spouse, parents, friends, counselor, or coach? Let them know about what you are trying to do. It’s okay to be vulnerable and open with them. This provides humility and transparency that goes a lot farther than isolating and not getting support.

Let them know your plan. Give them a copy. Ask them to contact you daily for a while to check and see if you are following through. You could also see if they will do it with you. Support systems and other tools that help with keeping you on track are valuable to track and change habits.

Creativity: 

Finally, creativity might be your best friend. There is a problem in our world and it is called “boredom”. My kids will say, “I’m bored, Dad.” I will say to them, “Well, what could you do? There are so many amazing things and I am sure your amazing and creative mind can think of something.” They usually look at me with a look that says, “Who are you?” Creativity opens the doors to many answers and gives us possibilities beyond what is right in front of us. 

When you want to change a bad habit, think like a child. Children don’t usually see limits and boundaries. It’s time to open the doors and see the possibilities. Think outside the box. Don’t worry about what others think. Isn’t your success more important than what others think of you? Let them be haters, but you win in the end!

V. Conclusion

The mystery of habits is an incredible thing to fathom. They are powerful tools for shaping our lives. They shape us in good ways and in bad ways. They can be deceptive, but also your greatest ally! They can make or break you and your ability to achieve your wildest dreams. I think of Michael Jordan’s story. How many stories are there of people who broke bad habits and implemented hard work, consistency, and a positive mindset to reach their biggest aspirations? You can do it too! You can create and maintain beneficial habits that will help you have long-term success and a life that is healthy and enjoyable. Get started today. Habits don’t change themselves!