3 Laws to Have Healthy Boundaries in Marriage

Have you ever heard of anyone talking about needing boundaries? Maybe you’ve heard of boundaries when it refers to not wanting to let someone or something continue to negatively affect you. Have you also heard of needing boundaries in your marriage or relationship? Not sure you need boundaries? The Bible says that “two shall become one flesh.” This can be confusing. How can setting limits and boundaries in our relationships be a good thing, especially when it comes to committed, put a ring on it, relationships?

Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend knows why boundaries are important, especially in marriage. They have for years attempted to explain the principles of boundaries and how they can help a marriage. We explored their thoughts on boundaries in their book: Boundaries in Marriage. They introduce the concept of Laws that can help you maintain a healthy connection and relationship. Three of them are critically important and I’ve seen the need for them in my life, not only in my marriage but also with any person I’ve come into contact with on a regular basis.  

It’s important to note that there are many guidelines that are vital to a healthy marriage. Boundaries keep a relationship healthy, but are not meant to draw a line in the sand. Laws or Guidelines in any situation should be applied applied as a support for making and keeping things healthy and good. This is true for building a healthy relationship, not as a gotcha to force or control your spouse. We tend to look at “laws” as foundational. We want to introduce to you 3 Laws of Marriage that you can implement to help your marriage. These laws are: the law of power, the law of responsibility, and the law of motivation as presented in Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend’s book, Boundaries in Marriage.

The Law of Power

Simply explained, you can only control what you CAN control. You should realize what you do and don’t have power over. As a survivor of trauma, one of my trauma responses to triggers is to attempt to control EVERYTHING, both the things I can and can’t control. Through my own counseling, I have learned this Law of Power that affects my own experience in marriage. 

For example, my husband hates feeling controlled. When he feels controlled, the result is him feeling disrespected. Does this happen to you? Anyhow, it’s taken a while, but through increased awareness of my desire for control and working on my response to triggers, I am less controlling. I have less moments where I try to control all situations and things I cannot or should not control. I had zero idea that I did this until working through my trauma. The root of my issue was a trauma response. 

Now, I am more aware of it. I am able to support my husband (and my sanity, literally) by letting go of things that I cannot control. I keep an image of my circle of control on our refrigerator. It is a constant reminder to live inside the Law of Power in order to have a healthy marriage. May I also emphasize the point that I was unable to gain perspective on this without professional help? It’s okay to ask for help.

The Law of Responsibility

This law states that we have a responsibility to each other but not FOR each other. Just as the Law of Power allows you to free yourself, the Law of Responsibility allows for freeing yourself also. The pressure to be responsible for a spouse is a self made anxiety. It’s important to remind yourself that your spouse is an adult. He or she can care for themselves. 

However, being responsible TO your spouse helps to put the relationship in a healthy perspective. I am not my husband’s mother. He already has an incredible mom. Just as I have to work on the Law of Power continuously, I have to work on the Law of Responsibility consistently also. It’s important to be intentional in keeping with the Law of Responsibility because by nature people are helpers. We serve those we love. This is me. I love to help. 

What happens though if I take on a role of being responsible for my husband, rather than to my husband? I can become overwhelmed, burdened, burnt out, or worse. Simply, I become resentful. Mostly because I am working so hard to help and he may not appreciate me as much as I would like. That resentment is something I created by not remembering the Law of Responsibility. It’s important to work at staying aware of your tendencies. It’s important to help people, but your mentality and expectations about why you are helping can lead to you feeling hurt and resentful. Stay focused on the right reasons for helping.

The Law of Motivation

This law states that we must be able to say no before we are free to say yes. Sometimes it’s as simple as saying “No.” I understand that saying “no” is not simple at times. However, by not saying no, people create their own problems. Keeping the Law of Motivation in mind as you are learning to implement principles of boundary setting in a marriage is vital. 

Saying “No,” is a boundary. Just like the previous two laws, this law helps you maintain a healthy perspective. Once we understand we have the power to say “no,” we are freed to make a different choice. What stops you from saying “no”? An example of the Law of Motivation at work in my own life would be when my husband expects me to put on his socks and shoes before we go out.  A simple, “No, dear, you are capable of doing this,” allows me the freedom to put his socks and shoes on if I choose.  

By me being able to say no to him, I then have the freedom to say yes.  And yes, one night before dinner, my husband looked straight at me and stuck his foot out.  He was wanting me to put his socks on for him, but at the time it felt disrespectful and more like a demand, so I did tell him no.  When he accepted my no, I then felt more comfortable with choosing to put his socks and shoes on his feet. This is a silly example from real life, but I think it perfectly explains the Law of Motivation in a simple way.

Conclusion

These three laws are not the only guidelines that a marriage can have that would help to make it healthy. There are seven more from the book Boundaries in Marriage. Each law is helpful in keeping healthy boundaries that will keep your marriage strong. They are not about catching your spouse crossing the line, but instead are about maintaining healthy perspectives, safety, and respect in your relationship. 

References and Resources

Cloud, H. & Townsend, J. (1999). Boundaries in Marriage: Understanding the Choices that Make or Break Loving Relationships, Zondervan. Pp 41-45, pp 48-50.