Among the five love languages, acts of service may be the easiest love language to perform. This is because ANY act done with intentionality and thought can make a person who has this primary love language feel appreciated and loved. Although, it’s not that simple, because just doing ANY act of love, doesn’t necessarily translate to a person feeling loved. According to Dr. Chapman, “Such actions as cooking a meal, setting a table, washing dishes…changing the cat’s litter box…are all acts of service” (p. 97). However, the KEY for these things to be considered love by your spouse or partner is to do these things with intentionality behind the action.
If your partner’s primary love language is acts of service, it is likely more about the aid that they receive from you, especially when they don’t have to ask, rather than just the task itself. In this article, we will explore 3 tips on how to prioritize a partner’s love language if acts of service are a preference for them. Then, we will reflect on how to serve our spouses or partners well.
Tip #1: Ask your partner to make a list of tasks that they would like completed.
Talk with your partner about making a list. Be prepared because sometimes they may not want to. They may even say that you should already know what they want done. Don’t let this get you riled up. If this is the case, be understanding, gentle, kind, and respectful. They probably have told you a million times, but you just haven’t registered how important these tasks are. You are different and may not understand the importance yet. Remind them that you are really trying, but a list would be helpful for you to prioritize the tasks and would be a reminder to you to do them. You know they want you to follow through and this is one way that could help you stay on task.
Once they agree, ask them to write 4 specific tasks that they need help with that would make them feel prioritized or that would make them feel loved and cared for by you. Dr. Chapman had a couple complete a similar exercise where they both wrote a list of acts of service (p. 104-106). The following is a summary of what happened.
Example of Writing Down Acts of Service
He had the couple write 4 tasks that they would like to be completed by their partner. An emphasis was placed on where they felt prioritized. For example, on the top of the husband’s list was “Make up the bed every day” (104). This was an important thing for the husband, as he wanted a clean, orderly living space.
On the wife’s list was: “I wish he would wash the car every week instead of expecting me to do it” (104). Notice that in this task, the wife’s emphasis is more on the expectations from her husband rather than just the task itself. This is key when working on your own list of acts for service.
Ask yourself, what needs are being met for your partner that go beyond just the act itself? What are the expectations? Why is this important to my spouse? What is important to me? These questions will help you be better at understanding your spouse’s needs when it comes to acts of service.
Tip #2: Help your partner complete tasks that are meaningful to them.
As we discussed in the previous section, completing tasks can have meaning that is not just about getting the job done or accomplishing more. By starting with the list of 4 tasks, you will begin seeing and understanding which tasks are meaningful to your partner.
Chapman noted that “[the couple was] doing things for each other but not the most important things. When they were forced to think concretely, they easily identified their specific dialects” (p. 106). Because the couple in the example each has different ideas of how they would feel prioritized, it makes sense that their requests reflect that. Their dialects or way of needing tasks done was better understood and able to be followed through. This understanding created more positive results when it came to the partner feeling loved.
When working to prioritize your partner, consider their own “dialect” that they are using. Ask them, “What makes sense to you?” and “What would make you feel special and loved?” Remember, however, to be patient with your partner, as they may not know exactly what they need right away. With time, by intentionally listening and even by observing your spouse, you will glean what is more important to them.
Tip #3: Be intentional.
This brings us to the final tip: Intentionality. Chapman stated that “[Acts of service] require thought, planning, time, effort, and energy. If done with a positive spirit, they are indeed expressions of love” (p. 97). Anytime you are thoughtful, especially of others, they can see that you care about them. When you add being intentional about setting aside time to work on these tasks, that increases their ability to see your behavior as loving.
As we have mentioned, making sure you give your partner a list helps them to know what they can be intentional about and how to prioritize these tasks. The goal should be that your partner feels loved, appreciated, and seen, above all, at least for that moment in time. Communication and understanding is key to developing the awareness of your spouse’s needs and desires. Without this, it would be hard to prioritize them at all.
How can we serve our partners well through acts of service?
When discussing primary love languages, it is important to note that the love within our relationship is a partnership. Because of this, we must consider that acts of service are choices. We should neither force our spouse to do acts of service nor should they force us to complete tasks. Chapman explained this further by stating that “no one likes to be forced to do anything. In fact, love is always freely given” (p. 103).
God gave us free will as a gift. The point of free will is so that we can choose to love others. When we know someone has free will and they choose to love us of their own free will, we truly know they love us. Someone loving us out of obligation does not fulfill our need to be loved, because we know they just did it because of something else. We need to know someone is loving us freely.
Acts of service for our partner are important because they show our partner that you are thinking of them, even sometimes before yourself, especially when you do it freely of your own choice. As Chapman stated, we freely give love, and it is not a matter of competition over who did what for each other. The concept of giving love is also a choice, and it is something that should be respected. Chapman discussed this further: “Love cannot be demanded. We can request things of each other, but we must never demand anything. Requests give direction to love, but demands to stop the flow of love” (p. 103).
As Chapman denoted in this passage, we must be careful to refrain from the demands of our partners. We all know that we have created demands and expectations that lead us to feel rejected and hurt. It’s the demands that are the problem, not necessarily the person. So, how you request a task is important. Do not demand!
As we work on how we request things, we also can be more open to expressing our needs from our partners. Requesting things of our partner also can show signs of respect and maturity, as we are giving them the choice to take action.
Conclusion
Every point we have made about acts of service can help you and your partner build a stronger relationship, and love each other more deeply. It’s truly an opportunity to improve how each other feels and to increase connection. Your efforts matter. Also, how you request love matters. Yet, not understanding one another is usually the problem. We need more communication and less frustration with each other in order to meet each other’s needs.
Read our Previous Article about the Love Language of Gifts.
References and Resources
Chapman, G. D. (1995). The five love languages. Moody Publishers.
Author:
Bethany Stanley is a Licensed Associate Professional Counselor. She provides couples counseling and individual counseling as a therapist at Legacy Marriage Resources, LLC based in Augusta, Georgia. Find out more about her in her Bio.
