Have you ever been given a gift you loved? How did you feel? I bet you were elated and felt warmth all inside you. You knew the person giving the gift knew what you liked. What about the times you received a gift that you didn’t want? How did you feel then? I know I have felt upset. I even asked myself, “Does this person even know me? Surely this is a prank.” But it wasn’t! Gift-giving is important and is a great way to show people you love them and how much you prioritize them.
As we discussed in previous articles, love languages can be an essential tool for prioritizing your partner. We talked about how when we prioritize our time with our spouse in quality ways they feel loved, especially if Quality Time is a primary love language.
This time we want to look more closely at the love language of Giving Gifts. As we likely see in our everyday lives, gift-giving can be a thoughtful way of showing someone that you appreciate them. But that is not easy for some of us. How can we prioritize the act of giving our partners a gift whose primary love language is gift-giving?
How Can We Learn to Give Good Gifts
Giving gifts might seem intimidating, especially if you are striving to give the “perfect” gift. If you find yourself at a loss about what kind of gifts to give, don’t fret! According to Chapman, “If your spouse’s primary love language is receiving gifts, you can become a proficient gift giver. In fact, it is one of the easiest love languages to learn” (p. 84). Oftentimes, we may wonder, “What constitutes a good gift?” or “How impressive should the gift be for my partner?” The answer to these may surprise you. We will explore 3 main ways that you can improve your ability to show appreciation and love for your partner whose primary love language is gift giving or receiving gifts.
Tip #1: Take some time to plan out the gift.
The first step is to plan. This may sound like a daunting task, however, there are some ways to make this an easy process. In Chapman’s book, he writes: “Where do you begin? Make a list of all the gifts your spouse has expressed excitement about receiving through the years…This list will give you an idea of the kinds of gifts your spouse would enjoy receiving” (p. 85). Thinking about and listing the gifts your spouse has received or expressed interest in in the past is a strong way to organize, and find patterns in what they actually like.
In doing this step of planning, you will also potentially find patterns within those gifts. Which gifts did your partner enjoy the most? Which ones brought them joy or excitement? Likely you will find themes that you can then use to give them more gifts. Try looking at patterns for when your partner was the most excited, according to dates. For instance, does your partner find joy in receiving gifts on their birthday or anniversary? Or do they find more joy in receiving gifts on a seemingly random or mundane day and time? These are things to consider during your planning.
Tip #2: Put thought into the gift.
For people whose primary love language is gift-giving, it is often the thought that counts. Dr. Chapman expresses that “the gift itself is a symbol of thought. It doesn’t matter whether it costs money. What is important is that you thought of him” (p. 82). Even if we might sometimes think that more money equates to more valuable gifts, this is not always the case. It’s the thoughtfulness that is the key ingredient in gift giving for people whose primary love language is gift giving. Dr. Chapman helps us understand this more by explaining that, “Gifts are visual symbols of love…If receiving gifts is my primary love language, I will place great value on the [gift] you have given me…I will see them as expressions of love. Without gifts as visual symbols, I may question your love” (p. 83).
It is essential to take this into account when thinking of your partner’s primary love language of gift-giving. It is the visual symbol that seems to be important. Ask yourself, “What does this gift represent?” Need an example? What if you could make a personalized card for your partner as a reminder that you love them and are thinking of them? This is a physical token that they can hold on to, and even display, reminding them of your love for them. Another small, thoughtful gesture might be remembering your partner’s favorite coffee and bringing it to them at their job. Even though this may not be something they can hold onto, they may be reminded that you care throughout the day. What other little ways can you think of that your spouse would know that you got them if you were to give that type of gift?
Tip #3: Give gifts on ordinary days, not just on special occasions.
In marriage, sometimes each day seems to run together and seem like the day before. We lose excitement and joy because of the monotony. One way to prioritize your partner and show them your love is to give gifts on seemingly ordinary days. This can create little moments of joy that can break up the normal everyday grind. While giving your partner a gift during a special occasion can be considered thoughtful, and maybe even expected, giving a gift during everyday life can help convey more thoughtfulness. Chapman stated: “Don’t wait for a special occasion. If receiving gifts is his/her primary love language, almost anything you give will be received as an expression of love” (p. 85).
In some cases, giving a gift at a “random” time may feel even more special because it shows you put extra thought and effort into it. Additionally, the fact that you thought about your partner during a seemingly mundane time may make them feel even more appreciated. Chapman described this thoughtfulness: “And it is not the thought implanted only in the mind that counts, but the thought expressed in actually securing the gift and giving it as the expression of love” (p. 82). The action can be just as valuable as the thought itself. When you give your partner a gift on a regular day, this may increase the feeling of being thought of or cared for by you. This shows your partner that you are thinking of them on a regular basis.
Conclusion
Gift-giving can be a powerful tool for showing both love and appreciation to your partner, regardless if it is their primary love language. Moreover, it can be even more impactful for your spouse whose primary love language is giving or receiving gifts. The thoughtfulness behind the gift can speak volumes and can make your partner feel more special, loved, and seen by you. How much you spend on the gift does not matter, as long as the intentionality is present. Finally, giving a gift to your partner during the mundane, ordinary days can be even more effective in making them feel prioritized. By doing so, you are demonstrating to them that you care for them, even on regular, uneventful days.
Reference
Chapman, G. D. (1995). The five love languages. Moody Publishers.
Author:
Bethany Stanley is a Licensed Associate Professional Counselor. She provides couples counseling and individual counseling as a therapist at Legacy Marriage Resources, LLC based in Augusta, Georgia. Find out more about her in her Bio.
