How Does Depression Affect A Marriage?

Have you ever wondered why you just can’t connect to your spouse? Or maybe they are acting differently? They don’t seem happy and are not interested in doing much. Maybe your husband is more angry and irritable lately. Or your wife is crying more than usual and expressing more fear or anxiety throughout her day.

Depression can look different depending on who you are. Males tend to be more irritable and show less interest in things they used to. Females tend to cry more and have more intense episodes of struggling with concentration. Although both males and females can exhibit the symptoms above, they present more in the specific gender per research.

These symptoms have more effect on relationships than most people think. Depression doesn’t necessarily go away. If it doesn’t, it can wreck a relationship. Although depression has many different origins, how it starts doesn’t stop it from having negative effects on marriages. Let’s explore how your marriage could be affected by depression.

6 Ways Depression Affects Marriage

We will look at 6 different areas where depression in one partner or both can have an impact on the relationship. In each area, we will give a few points that will help you see the effects of depression. Take note and see if you see any of these in your own relationship.

Emotional Impact of Depression on Marriage

When a spouse has depression, as we have said before, that spouse is emotionally affected. These effects can be on both partners. Moodiness, apathy, and distance can all be felt. You know when your spouse isn’t feeling good! They unfortunately may not say anything. The result of these emotional effects is disconnection, hurt, confusion, and pain. A few examples of depression’s impact on emotions and how they can stress a relationship are below.

1. Increased Irritability: A depressed partner may become more irritable or short-tempered, leading to frequent conflicts and tension. You may not want to be around anyone or you may get out done more quickly with your spouse. This can lead to a sudden fight or lashing out.
2. Emotional Withdrawal: Depression can cause a person to withdraw emotionally, making them seem distant or uninterested in the relationship. Thus, you as a spouse may feel they don’t love you or may not get your needs met as your partner tries to cope with their depression.
3. Lack of Intimacy: A depressed partner may lose interest in physical intimacy, which can create feelings of rejection and hurt in the other partner. Again, lack of physical connection can lead to hurt. Ultimately, resentment may arise if the depressed partner is not understood by the healthier one.

Depression Impacts Communication in Marriage

Communication is key in a relationship. We can’t stress this enough. But when depression hits a marriage, all sorts of problems can arise due to the emotional impact of the depression. Inability to handle things like conflict, stress, or parenting struggles leads to a break down in the relationship.

1. Reduced Communication: Depression often makes it difficult for a person to express their thoughts and feelings, leading to misunderstandings and a breakdown in communication. They may resort to just not talking or isolating so they don’t have to try. They are already fatigued and possibly feeling shame because they don’t feel like they can help the healthier partner.
2. Negative Thinking: A partner with depression may engage in negative self-talk or pessimistic thinking, which can affect the overall mood and tone of conversations. We have seen this often. They ruminate and even have an increase in anxiety that stops them from thinking rationally. Thus a breakdown in communication can come when the depressed partner starts to criticize or blame based on the negative thoughts they are having.

Behavior Changes When a Spouse Has Depression

Depression changes you. You want to do less. Sometimes you just lay in bed all day and cry. You aren’t yourself. So you aren’t the partner that you were. You are struggling with doing your part. This can really stress the healthier partner who may already be at max capacity, leading to a breakdown in the relationship.

1. Decreased Motivation: Depression can lead to a lack of motivation to participate in activities or responsibilities, causing frustration and resentment in the other partner. There may become a disproportionate weight on the healthier spouse to support the depressed spouse. We have seen the healthier partner work two jobs and come home and have to do all the cleaning on top of watching the kids. A heavier toll on the spouse with depression comes due to the loss of motivation in their partner to complete tasks.
2. Increased Dependence: The depressed partner may become more dependent on their spouse for emotional support, which can be overwhelming and exhausting, just as we said above. The healthier spouse takes on more tasks to make sure things get done, but becomes more and more tired and overwhelmed.

Stress on the Non-Depressed Partner

As we said before, the non-depressed partner has to now carry the load. They do care for their spouse who is struggling with depression, but their capacity to perform their own tasks and all the tasks of their partners is limited. As you see below, the marriage is easily affected by this buildup of stress.

1. Caretaker Burden: The non-depressed partner may take on the role of caregiver, leading to burnout and emotional exhaustion. They do care, but depending on how long the depressed partner is down and out will determine how long the relationship can hold out.
2. Feelings of Helplessness: Watching a loved one struggle with depression can create feelings of helplessness and frustration. Most husbands just want to help. When they can’t fix it, they already struggle with not being able to take care of their wife. This can lead to a husband getting frustrated and irritable. Wives also love to take care of their husbands but may have the same feelings of helplessness and start to feel down themselves.
3. Neglect of Self-Care: The non-depressed partner may neglect their own needs and self-care while trying to support their spouse. This can lead to more stress and burnout after neglecting their own needs for a while.

Financial Stress Due to Depression in Marriage

What happens when finances are impacted in a marriage? Fights! When a spouse is depressed and is not performing at the highest level, it very likely can lead to financial pressure. When financial pressure in a relationship is high, conflict increases. Leading to a focus away from healing depression to another imminent need: finding a way to make ends meet. When both, financial concerns and depression collide, the burden is tremendous.

1. Work Performance: Depression can affect job performance, potentially leading to job loss or decreased income, which can create financial stress in the marriage. This can be true at home or at work. What if a stay-at-home spouse has depression? They may be in more need of the working spouse to take more time off or help out with the kids when they would usually be working.
2. Medical Expenses: The cost of treatment for depression, including therapy and medications, can add to the financial burden. This could even lead to physical health issues that would increase the financial impact of depression more. Stress and depression have major impacts on our physical health.

Impact on Parenting in Regards to Depression

We have already shown that increased conflict seems to be inevitable when there is a depressed spouse. When you throw parenting into the mix, we get a potential for more stress and conflict. Many parents grew up with different parenting styles. So, couples may already be at odds with how they should parent. Let’s look at what else can happen.

1. Parental Involvement: Depression in a spouse may contribute to less energy and patience for parenting duties such as discipline and enjoyment of kids. This affects a spouse’s level of involvement with their children. They become distant and lazy in their parenting. They may allow the kids to do whatever they want to do, possibly leading to dangerous situations or a lack of structure and discipline in the home.
2. Child Well-being: Children may be affected by the tension and stress in the household, potentially impacting their emotional and psychological well-being. Increased fighting and emotional turmoil as well as lack of structure can cause children to become parentified (parenting other kids or their own parents) or become more nervous or anxious about the possible break up of the marriage.

Coping Strategies when Depression is Present in Marriage

1. Seek Counseling: Both partners should consider seeking therapy, either individually or as a couple, to address the issues caused by depression.
2. Transparent and Open Communication: Maintaining open and honest communication about feelings and challenges can help reduce misunderstandings and strengthen the relationship.
3. Lean on Support Networks: Relying on friends, family, and support groups can provide additional emotional support for both partners.
4. Focus on Adequate Self-Care: Both partners should prioritize self-care and ensure they are taking care of their own mental and physical health.
5. Increase Understanding and Knowledge: Learning about depression and its effects can help both partners better understand what they are experiencing and how to manage it.

Conclusion

No matter what the reason is for your depression, you must realize it is playing a role in the health or lack thereof in your marriage. No one wants to have depression, but life can be tough with lots of twists and turns. Anything could cause trauma, sadness, fear, or any other effect that if not dealt with could result in depression. Don’t worry! This is normal. You are not invincible, and I’m not either. It’s worth exploring whether the struggles in your marriage are due to one of you feeling depressed or just not communicating well. If you need help overcoming personal struggles so that your relationship can thrive, then seek a consultation with a counselor today!

References and Resources

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/depression – National Institute of Mental Health

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8385738

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5734537

https://www.aamft.org/Consumer_Updates/Depression.aspx – American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy