Are you someone who likes to hold hands, give or receive hugs, or just be close to people physically? We each have different preferences in how we feel loved. Sometimes we give love differently from how we receive it. When it comes to the love language of physical touch, people can have different views of what this looks like. Many might think of physical touch primarily for intimacy, but it’s much more than that. It’s a great way to show your “nearness,” “I’m thinking of you,” and “I like you.” A simple touch of the hand or even just being close can make your partner feel more safe, secure, and connected to you.
If your partner values touch highly, understanding how they feel loved through touch can make a big difference. Some forms of touch might not feel comforting to someone who loves physical touch—it depends on the person. A helpful first step is to ask your partner about their preferences. Here are three tips to help you improve how you prioritize your partner through physical touch, along with practical ways to apply them.
Tip #1: Be Sensitive to Your Partner’s Preferences
The first tip is about being aware and sensitive to your partner’s needs, not just what feels natural to you. Dr. Gary Chapman, in The 5 Love Languages, emphasizes not to “insist on touching her in your way and in your time. Learn to speak her love dialect. Your spouse may find some touches uncomfortable or irritating” (p. 118). Understanding your partner’s “love dialect” can show you what makes them feel the most loved.
To get a clearer picture of your partner’s preferences, try asking questions that help clarify what feels good to them. For example:
- “Do you like it when I hold your hand in public, or would you rather not?”
- “Would you prefer a quick hug or a longer, close hug?”
- “Are there certain times of day when touch feels more natural, like after work or in the morning?”
This way, you’re actively listening and finding out what types of touches make your partner feel seen, heard, and loved. It’s equally important to know what makes them feel uncomfortable, as Dr. Chapman warns, “To insist on continuing those touches is to communicate the opposite of love” (p. 118).
If physical touch isn’t your natural love language, becoming comfortable with it might take time. Setting small goals, like a daily hand squeeze or goodbye hug, can help you grow more comfortable without feeling overwhelmed. Remember that your patience and openness can also help your partner feel more secure as you build this habit together.
Tip #2: Utilize Small Touches to Reassure Your Partner That You “See” Them
Small, thoughtful touches can be powerful in letting your partner know that you’re there for them. Dr. Chapman states that “[i]mplicit love touches require little time but much thought, especially if physical touch is not your primary love language and if you did not grow up in a ‘touching family’” (p.119). These small touches—like a handhold or a brush of the fingertips—can make your partner feel seen and supported.
Here are a few simple ways to incorporate these touches:
- A gentle touch on the shoulder when your partner seems stressed or focused.
- A quick back rub or hand squeeze is a silent way to say, “I’m here with you.”
- A light touch on their arm while you’re talking or laughing together adds a subtle layer of connection.
Remember, timing matters. You don’t want to interrupt or disrupt your partner when they’re busy or deeply focused, as this might come across as needy or annoying. But when your partner is relaxed or simply sitting nearby, a longer touch can feel warm and comforting. Thoughtfulness in the timing and type of touch helps your partner feel understood and cared for.
If physical touch doesn’t come naturally to you, it may feel awkward at first, but starting with brief, light touches like a shoulder pat or a hand hold can help ease you into it. Additionally, reminding yourself of the positive benefits of physical touch—such as reducing stress and boosting emotional connection—can reinforce its importance and make it feel more meaningful.
Tip #3: Try Initiating Physical Touch
Dr. Chapman notes that “[c]oming up with new ways and places to touch can be an exciting challenge” (p. 119). He suggests trying “new touches in new places and let your spouse give you feedback on whether he [or she] finds it pleasurable or not” (p.119). The key here is that your partner’s preferences should always be respected.
Initiating touch doesn’t have to be elaborate. Simple gestures can be meaningful and help foster closeness. Here are a few ways to take the lead:
- Sitting close while watching TV, even if you’re not holding hands, just to create a feeling of closeness.
- Offering a small “hello” or “goodbye” hug as part of your daily routine, signaling love and reassurance.
- Trying out gentle touches on the back, shoulder, or hand, then asking if it felt comforting, to discover new ways of showing affection.
Sometimes, if physical touch isn’t your own love language, it can be easy to miss cues when your partner needs that reassurance. Initiating small gestures can help bridge that gap, creating a space for emotional closeness to grow.
For those who find physical touch challenging, focusing on less intimate forms of touch—like a gentle pat on the back or a quick handhold—can make it feel more comfortable. Additionally, if physical touch isn’t always possible, reminding your partner of your presence and support through words or actions can still create a reassuring and loving environment.
How Do These Tips Apply?
Physical touch isn’t necessarily about sexual intimacy; it can be as simple as letting your partner know that you’re there. These small, thoughtful gestures can help build connection and strengthen trust. For someone whose primary love language is physical touch, this can be vital, as it’s often how they feel most loved.
Read our Previous Articles about the Love Language of Gifts, and the Love Language of Acts of Service.
References and Resources
Chapman, G. D. (1995). The five love languages. Moody Publishers.
Author:
Bethany Stanley is a Licensed Associate Professional Counselor. She provides couples counseling and individual counseling as a therapist at Legacy Marriage Resources, LLC based in Augusta, Georgia. Find out more about her in her Bio.
