Ever wondered what it really means to judge others? Have you ever had someone look at you weirdly, make fun of you, or gossip about you? It doesn’t feel good, but you may have passed it off as them just not understanding you or knowing you. Judging others can be hurtful, but it’s something we do every day. It can be helpful depending on the situation. So, understanding what it means is very important, so we use it to our benefit.
I remember a story about The Tortoise and The Hare. You know it! Yes, that one! The Hare (I like to call him a rabbit) “judged” the Tortoise. He assumed the Tortoise was slow, which he was right about, but that led to a judgment call that didn’t work out so well for him. His next assumption was that he could easily win a race against the Tortoise. Yet, that led to the Hare being too confident. He thought he would beat the Tortoise so badly that he could nap along the way (I think that is how the story went). What do you remember happening? The Tortoise won! That’s right! How inconceivable! It’s what we call a fable (a short story that helps us understand an important principle or lesson about life). This fable teaches us that it’s important that we are careful not to judge others. So, let’s look at a deeper understanding of what judging others means, in case we start to fall into this everyday occurrence.
The Definition of Judging or Judgment:
Let’s start by actually defining what judgments are. We can actually use different words for judgment that are synonyms or mean about the same thing. Words like perspective, criticism, assumption, negative thought, scrutiny, and even condemnation can all be interchanged with judging. A formal definition from Merriam-Webster.com states that a judge is a public official authorized to decide questions brought before a court or one who gives an authoritative opinion. The verb form says that to judge means to form an opinion about through careful weighing of evidence and testing of premises (hypothesis), to form an estimate or evaluation of, or to hold as an opinion.
These definitions are a little wordy, but informative. However, we want to focus a little more on what judgments look like every day in several examples to help you understand what judging means. For a simple definition, let’s say judging others means having certain thoughts about a person that may be negative, but doesn’t have to be. When I think about judgments, I consider 3 different categories: value judgments, “should” judgments, and compare and contrast judgments.
Value Judgments
This type of judgment is where you give something a value, whether that is good, bad, valuable, worthless, stupid, smart, terrible, wonderful, ugly, beautiful, or those kinds of things. They’re very subjective, right? What you may think of as good or bad may be different from what your partner thinks is good or bad. Subjective judgements are based on your unique understanding and experience. Yet, they are not necessarily accurate or factual. Everyone has values and principles. Everyone has likes and dislikes. It’s normal to make judgments based on our values, likes, and dislikes. Yet, doing this can cause trouble if we allow it to turn into action before it’s thought through.
“Should” Judgments
The next type of judgement could be called “should” judgements. This is where we have predetermined thoughts about how our partner should or shouldn’t be. Sometimes we project onto our spouse what we think is happening. When we say that something should have gone this way or should have gone that way, we are making an assumption about how that thing is supposed to play out. We likely don’t know the outcome of most actions. Although we have the ability to predict based on past patterns that can be beneficial, but can also be harmful if used in the wrong way.
This type of judgment happens all the time with couples and can cause harm in marriages, especially when we haven’t shared our expectations and non-negotiables upfront. Our “shoulds” can very well start “shoulding all over the place,” causing hurt and pain to the ones we love if we don’t communicate well.
Comparing and Contrasting Judgments
The next type of judgment we’re going to look at is when we compare and contrast. Pretend you are looking at a particular experience and the decisions that were made. Let’s say that each person made different decisions. Once those decisions are made, we evaluate the outcomes. Based on the outcomes, we usually make a conclusion about which choices were right or best based on the outcome we perceive as best. By comparing the two, we almost always judge one better than the other. Once again, our judgment call may not always be right. Even our comparisons are based on our own perspectives and experiences, making them subjective.
All three of these judgment types are very subjective. They are also very intertwined. You may already have some expectations when you enter a situation or relationship. Values, principles, and likes and dislikes are a given. Thus, when something happens and you compare the results, your judgment of the results can be swayed by your expectations and your values. This is important to understand so that when you experience something, you can take a step back and evaluate things more objectively.
Conclusion
To wrap up, you must see that judgments aren’t bad or good, but can cause problems if not attended to. Awareness is so important, and that is what I have tried to provide you today. The awareness of what judging means can help you not hurt others yourself. Judging others is when you have any thought that is not based on fact, but is subjective and based on your values, expectations, and your attempts to make sense out of something you don’t understand fully.
Challenge: Examine your own thoughts and feelings today about others. Pick 5 of them. Write them down. Then ask yourself: Are these thoughts based in fact, or do I know enough to determine if that thought is fact?
Author: Janna LeCroy, LPC
