The word “gaslight” is everywhere right now. You see it in movies, on social media, and in coffee shop conversations with friends. Clients often tell me, “My spouse is gaslighting me,” or “My mother-in-law keeps gaslighting me,” but when we slow down and unpack what’s really happening, it’s not always a case of gaslighting. Sometimes it’s a disagreement, a misunderstanding, or poor communication. And sometimes, the word gets used simply because someone is hurt, overwhelmed, or doesn’t yet have the language to describe what they’re experiencing.
So what does gaslighting actually mean, and how should we respond when it truly happens?
What Gaslighting Really Means
Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation where someone tries to make another person doubt their own memory, perception, or sanity. The term originates from an old movie called Gaslight, where a husband slowly made his wife believe she was losing her mind by subtly altering small things in their home and then denying that it had ever happened.
In real life, gaslighting can sound like this:
- “That never happened. You’re imagining things.”
- “You’re overreacting. It’s not a big deal.”
- “You always make things up to make me look bad.”
When these kinds of comments happen repeatedly, they can cause deep confusion and self-doubt. The person on the receiving end starts to question what’s real. Over time, gaslighting can decrease someone’s confidence, sense of safety, and ability to trust their own judgment.
Why People Gaslight
Not everyone who says something minimizing or dismissive is trying to gaslight. Sometimes people use words that feel like gaslighting because they are defensive or uncomfortable with conflict. For example, a person might say, “You’re being too sensitive,” not to manipulate, but because they don’t know how to handle emotions in the moment.
Some people also unintentionally gaslight because they grew up in families where emotions were dismissed or rewritten, so minimizing or contradicting feelings feels “normal” to them. Intent does not remove the impact, but it helps explain why these patterns show up in relationships.
However, true gaslighting usually comes from a desire to control or avoid responsibility. People gaslight to protect their image, escape blame, or keep power in the relationship. It can come from pride, fear, shame, or insecurity.
In the Bible, we often see how pride leads people to twist truth. Proverbs 16:18 says, “Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.” When someone refuses to take accountability and instead tries to make others doubt themselves, that prideful spirit is at work. The good news is that truth always comes to light—even when someone tries to hide it.
Gaslighting vs. Emotional Invalidation
These two concepts are often confused, but they are not the same.
- Emotional invalidation is dismissing someone’s feelings.
(“You shouldn’t feel that way.”) - Gaslighting is dismissing or twisting someone’s reality.
(“That never happened.”)
Invalidation is hurtful. Gaslighting is disorienting. Understanding the difference helps couples communicate better and prevents overusing the term in moments that may simply be emotional misattunement.
What Gaslighting Is Not
It’s important to remember that not every disagreement or emotional reaction is gaslighting. If your spouse remembers a conversation differently, or if someone says they didn’t mean to hurt you, that’s not necessarily manipulation. Relationships involve different perspectives, and it’s normal to see things differently.
When we label every form of disagreement as gaslighting, it can shut down healthy communication. It’s hard to build trust when one person feels constantly accused. Instead of calling out “You’re gaslighting me,” it’s often more productive to name the specific behavior and express how it made you feel.
How to Respond When Someone Is Gaslighting You
If you notice a pattern of gaslighting in your relationship, you do not have to stay silent. Here are a few practical ways to respond with both wisdom and strength.
1. Stay grounded in truth.
Gaslighting works by making you doubt your reality. When this happens, take time to pause and check the facts. Keep notes if needed. Remind yourself of what actually happened, and if possible, share it with a trusted friend or counselor who can help you see things clearly.
John 8:32 says, “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” Holding onto truth protects your mind and spirit from confusion.
2. Use “I” statements instead of accusations.
Telling someone “You’re gaslighting me” seldom leads to understanding. It usually causes the other person to become defensive, which shuts down the conversation.
Instead, speak from your own perspective.
Try saying:
“When you tell me that didn’t happen, I start to question myself, and that’s painful.”
This approach focuses on your experience and gives the other person space to hear how their words affect you.
3. Set boundaries.
If the gaslighting continues, it’s okay to protect yourself by setting limits. You might say:
“I’m not going to continue this conversation if you keep denying what I experienced.”
Healthy boundaries are not unkind—they are an act of self-respect.
Romans 12:18 says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Peace does not mean allowing mistreatment.
If gaslighting appears alongside threats, intimidation, or controlling behavior, it may be part of a larger pattern of emotional abuse. In that case, additional support and guidance are crucial.
4. Seek support and perspective.
Talking with a counselor, pastor, or trusted friend can bring clarity. Gaslighting can make you feel isolated, so staying connected to safe people helps you hold onto truth. Sometimes an outside voice can help you see patterns that are hard to recognize when you’re in the middle of them.
5. Pray for wisdom and peace.
It’s easy to get caught in anger or self-doubt when you’re dealing with manipulation. Take time to bring your emotions before God. Ask Him to guide your thoughts, give you strength, and show you how to respond with both truth and grace.
Philippians 4:7 reminds us that “the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
When You Realize You’ve Been the One Gaslighting
Sometimes we recognize these patterns in ourselves. Maybe you’ve said things to win an argument or make yourself look better. The first step is honesty. Admit it to yourself and, if possible, to the person you’ve hurt. Ask for forgiveness and commit to change. True humility builds trust and healing in relationships.
As followers of Christ, we’re called to walk in truth. Ephesians 4:25 says, “Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body.” That means taking responsibility when we’ve spoken in ways that confuse or harm others.
Final Thoughts: When to Seek Counseling
Gaslighting can leave you feeling confused, powerless, or unsure of what’s real. If you find yourself questioning your reality often, or if you’re struggling to communicate with someone who constantly twists your words, counseling can help. A therapist provides a safe space to sort through what’s true, name unhealthy patterns, and rebuild your confidence in your own voice. Therapy is not a sign of weakness; it’s an act of courage and faith.
God cares deeply about truth and restoration. Through counseling, prayer, and healthy support, you can learn how to set boundaries, speak truth in love, and walk in freedom.
Challenge for the Week
This week, pay attention to how you communicate when emotions are high. Notice if you minimize others’ feelings or if someone dismisses yours. Practice using “I” statements and standing firm in truth without attacking. Ask God to help you speak truthfully and listen humbly. Truth brings healing, and healing brings peace.
If you’re noticing these patterns in your marriage or family and want help navigating them, our team at Legacy Marriage Resources is here to walk with you. You don’t have to untangle confusion alone. Reach out today and let us help you move toward clarity, healing, and peace. Call 706-916-6740 Today!
