As discussed in our previous article on what boundaries are, they play a key role in any relationship, whether in parenting, friendships, or marriage. In marriage specifically, boundaries serve as guidelines that help both partners understand what’s acceptable, what’s needed, and what direction the relationship is heading.
One of the foundational elements of setting boundaries is managing expectations. Let’s explore why that matters so much in relationships.
The Problem with “Mind Reading” in Marriage
At Legacy Marriage Resources, one recurring theme we hear from couples sounds like this:
“My partner should already know what I need or want.”
This mindset—sometimes called “mind reading”—can unintentionally create disappointment, frustration, and even resentment. When expectations go unspoken, both partners can feel misunderstood or unsupported. Over time, this assumption erodes trust and connection.
Instead of assuming your partner knows what you need, ask yourself:
– Have I clearly communicated what I expect?
– Have I shared my needs in a way that’s kind and direct?
How to Communicate Needs Using “I” Statements
Healthy boundaries begin with self-awareness and clear communication, especially in emotionally charged moments.
Instead of focusing on what your partner is doing wrong, try using “I” messages to express how you feel and what you need. This reduces defensiveness and keeps the conversation constructive.
Example of a blaming statement:
“You never take out the trash.”
Better “I” statement:
“I feel overwhelmed when the trash piles up. I need help keeping the kitchen clean.”
This small shift makes a big difference. It focuses on your feelings and needs without placing blame. And most importantly, it keeps the responsibility in your court—what you will do, not what your partner must do.
The Power of “I Need” Statements
“I need” statements are a specific and effective way to set expectations without expecting your partner to read your mind.
Examples:
– “I need a break from this conversation because I’m feeling overwhelmed.”
– “I need some affection today. Could we spend some time together?”
– “I need some quiet time after work to decompress.”
These statements are clear, respectful, and actionable. They empower you to own your needs and invite your partner to respond in a way that supports connection.
Moving Toward Setting Boundaries
Once expectations and needs are clearly stated, you’re ready to begin setting boundaries.
Here’s a simple 3-step process:
1. Discuss expectations: Talk with your partner about what each of you needs to feel safe, supported, and connected.
2. Define what that looks like: Make it practical. What actions, behaviors, or agreements would support those expectations?
3. Clarify your role: Especially if the boundary involves others outside the relationship, be honest about what you are willing to do or change to protect the boundary.
Boundaries aren’t about control—they’re about clarity.
Reflection & Discussion Prompts
Use these prompts to spark conversation with your partner or in a couples session:
– In what specific ways can you manage expectations more clearly in your relationship?
– Write two “I need” statements and share them with your partner.
– How does it feel to hear an “I need” statement from your partner?
– How did it feel to communicate a personal need?
– What practical takeaway from this article will you try in your relationship this week?
References
– Kennedy, B. (2022). Good Inside: A Practical Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be. HarperCollins UK.
– Sinek, S. (2025, January 28). Kids (And Employees) Know More Than You Think with Dr. Becky Kennedy | A Bit of Optimism Podcast. Watch on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nsu0netaABw
