Have you ever thought something about someone that made you not want to be around them or feel hurt by them? I think we all have. However, I’m not sure we all recognize that our thoughts may not be accurate or based in truth. We recognize that what they said or did does not make us feel good, but is that the correct way of viewing what happened or what was said?
In my last post, I talked about and introduced the concept of judgment calls. However, it’s not enough to know what they are. In this post, I would like to expand on what makes judgments a problem. No one likes to be judged. Most of us know, in a moment of calm and clarity, that judging others is not necessarily always the best thing. One thing we do know: when we are trying to solve problems, judgments have the ability to make things worse, although we need them at pivotal moments in life.
Judgment Call Scenario: Sarah and John go to the movies.
Sarah and John are due for a date night. It’s been a long time since they have had a night to themselves. They are feeling excited because they are finally getting to spend some time together without the kids. John wants to see the latest action flick, Powerman 3: Return of the Lost City, whereas Sarah wants to see a rerelease of the classic, Titanic. While talking about it and trying to plan together, John gets frustrated and calls the movie Sarah wants to see “mushy gushy” and tells her he would not be caught dead in the theater watching that. Sarah, hurt by John’s comment, snaps back, “All you want to watch is mindless dribble!” The two go back and forth, commenting out of anger about each other’s movie choice and their negative feelings about them. Needless to say, they did not make it to the movies that night, slept in different rooms, and missed their opportunity to spend quality time together.
Yes, judgments are a problem at times. Just as we said in the previous post, they can be very subjective, putting us in a position of ignorance. Rarely is it just point-blank, “This is good and this is bad.” Things are rarely so black and white. The fact remains that we all see things differently. Sometimes your “good” is different from my good and your “bad” is different from my bad. Let’s look at 8 ways that judgment may be unhelpful.
Sarah and John’s Unhelpful Judgements
Let’s look again at the judgments that Sarah and John both threw at one another.
John said Sarah’s movie choice was “mushy gushy.” Sarah said John’s movie choice was “mindless dribble.” Both of these statements are judgment calls- specifically, the type of judgment that shows what someone values or doesn’t value. Let’s look closer at how these statements were unhealthy and blocked communication and togetherness.
8 Ways Judgments are Unhelpful
Judgments distract us from the reality of the situation.
When we make assumptions, our view of the situation is narrow. We don’t see the whole picture. If we are trying to attain the truth about a situation, we need the facts (Observable and measurable evidence). Focusing solely on our own expectations and values is unfruitful. Facts don’t care about our values, emotions, needs, and desires. They just are! Sarah and John both attached value to their movie choices and the choices of their partner. The reality was that the movie they saw didn’t really matter. What mattered most was that they would be spending time together.
Judgements may feed our negative emotions.
By negative, I don’t mean bad. Negative in this case means something we don’t like. There are emotions we don’t like: Anger, guilt, shame, and sadness. These are examples of negative feelings. When we make negative judgments, we stir up irritability, anger, annoyance, jealousy, frustration, and other negative emotions. Both Sarah and John made comments out of hurt, a negative emotion. This made them more prone to argue with one another.
Even positive judgments can be very frail.
Let’s look at an example. Let’s say a husband says to his wife: “Oh, yeah, your outfit looks good, hon.” A statement like this may not be fruitful, either. If your partner is having a really bad, self-conscious day, they may interpret what you are saying in a negative way (negative judgment). What if their thought in response is: “Oh, well, he’s just telling me that. Obviously, I don’t look that good.” The positive thought you had is broken very easily by your partner’s internal dialogue about what they think about themselves. So, do remember that anything that we consider good can also be considered bad by our partner in that sense. In this scenario, neither Sarah nor John made positive judgments.
Judgment calls can cause isolation and loneliness.
When you make a lot of assumptions, you will pull away from people, especially if you tend to make negative assumptions. Combine this with a spouse who tends to be more negative. It’s natural to protect ourselves. When we have negative thoughts or assumptions about someone else’s intentions, whether they are true or not, we will pull away to keep ourselves safe. When Sarah and John didn’t ally with one another, it created disagreement, hurt, and disconnection, which for partners can be very isolating. They intended to spend the evening together doing something fun. Unfortunately, we see how that turned out.
Communication gets shut down when judgments are made.
Assumptions can be the seed of criticism or pulling away because you don’t think the other person is reasonable, has your best interest in mind, smart, or even wise. When your spouse makes an assumption and attacks you for it, then a natural reaction may be not wanting to bring that subject up again. Neither Sarah nor John was open to healthy discussion about their differences once critical comments were made.
Conflict may arise when assumptions and judgments are present.
Earlier, we mentioned that no one really likes someone to think negatively about them. So when judgments are expressed, we react. That reaction can either be shutting down and pulling away or defending ourselves. Criticism and defensiveness are known parts of a conflict cycle. Dr. John Gottman coined them as part of the 4 Horsemen in a relationship that ultimately can lead to divorce. Sarah and John definitely had a conflict that rose out of their judgment calls to one another.
Judgements decrease trust in a relationship.
When negative thoughts or assumptions rise about your spouse, you naturally have a decrease in your trust in them. Do you know at that point if you can count on them or if they will be reasonable and open to what you need or have to say? Probably not. In our example above, it is possible that because Sarah and John had this disagreement, they won’t be so open with one another about preferences, desires, or needs in the future. While that isn’t such a big deal for choosing a movie, it can bleed into other areas of discussion and have lasting consequences for bigger choices down the road.
Long-term judgment can cause low self-esteem.
If criticism continues due to assumptions and judgments made about your spouse, their feelings and thoughts about themselves may deteriorate and become more negative. Over time, they may start to believe they aren’t loved or worthy, leading to even more negative views of themselves. When someone has a decreased perspective about their own abilities and who they are, this is what we consider low self-esteem. A spouse can encourage or tear down. Words matter, but words start in the heart and mind.
Sarah and John: A healthier scenario
Let’s rewind the tape and see if Sarah and John can figure out date night without judgment calls. John wants to see the latest action flick, Powerman 3: Return of the Lost City, whereas Sarah wants to see a rerelease of the classic, Titanic. John says to Sarah, “I’m not in the mood for a romance movie tonight.” Sarah, in return, says, “I’m also not really feeling a Superhero movie.” They respect each other’s feelings and desires.
So, they both agree to see what else is playing. Sitting on the edge of the bed, they flick through the list of films playing at the local theater. “What about Last Crow at Dawn, that new thriller with that actor you like?” John proposes. Sarah leans into him, kisses him on the cheek, and says, “Sure, love.” They get ready and head to the theater, happy to spend the evening together.
Conclusion
John and Sarah are an example of all relationships. They could have been having a bad day or just a quick conversation that got out of hand. However, just because it’s normal to have negative assumptions and reactions doesn’t mean they have to. In the second example, they show us a new way of working through differences and replacing their assumptions with actions of love and compromise.
If you see yourself or your relationship in Sarah and John, know that you are not alone! We all must work on our negative thinking and judgment calls. It’s important that we find ways to manage them and replace them. Counseling can help us broaden our scope to handle these issues, both big and small.
Challenge: This week, take note of the judgment calls that you make and see if you can rewind your own tape and change the thought to one without judgment. Try to get to five rewinds!
Author: Janna LeCroy, LPC
